It has been nearly a month since I have stopped speaking to one of my good friends. Although I sometimes miss talking to him, I do not regret my decision. I actually have been doing just fine since then, cause life does indeed go on. I've been living and enjoying my life without missing a beat. And why wouldn't I be? Life is too short, and it seems as though people are leaving this earth younger and younger. As Martin Lawrence said in Runteldat, ride this life until the wheels fall off!
While I was continuing on with life, an old friend re-appeared. I've known him for a total of about 6 years now. I met him on Blackplanet (remember that? Before Adam4Adam, Blkgaychat, and Men4Now came along? LOL), and he lives in south Jersey (Camden county). Over time, we became very good friends, and I would visit him at least once a month. Yes we messed around a few times (lol), but it was more than that. We clicked right away and shared some of the same interests. I got the chance to meet some of his family, friends, and the dudes that he dated. When you meet people off these damn web sites, you pretty much take a crap shoot on if they're gonna be a true friend, a fuck buddy, a psycho, or just a bonified asshole, and I was so blessed that this person demonstrated himself as a true friend.
But a few years ago (2004 I believe), he reached a revelation....he decided that he was going to give up the gay lifestyle, marry a woman, and live a heterosexual life. He had always claimed he was bisexual, but he started to incorporate religion into his life, and he felt that God was moving him in another direction, which means he was cutting off all of his friends and people who knew him in that lifestyle. As disappointed as I was about that decision, who am I to judge or argue with how God chooses to deal with someone? So I wished him the very best in his life.
Fast forward to last week. He hits me up out of the blue on AIM. He tells me that things didn't quite work out with his wife and that they are separated and living apart. (They were married for about two years.) But above that, he missed talking/hanging out with his good friends. I have long given up on holding grudges against people, so I gladly welcomed him back. Now we talk again a few times a week, and we pretty much slipped right back into our roles just like old times...talking, joking, laughing, etc. In the very near future, I'll be going down to south Jersey to see if his looks changed at all and just to get reacquainted with his presence once more. It honestly doesn't feel like it's been four years since we stopped speaking. It feels so good to reconnect with an old friend. It is with great pleasure that I say to him...Welcome back!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Cutting Ties
The previous posting proved prophetic, because today, after many disagreements, I was left with no other choice but to cut off a person who I considered a good friend for about four years. I will not discuss the exact thing that lead to my decision, but he knows what he said and did. It sucks to realize that the person you think is gonna be a friend for a lifetime turns out to be one only for a season. But hey, it's another lesson learned. I'm better off without him anyway!
In my four years of knowing this person, I was there for him through his highs and lows: the arguments with his mother, the friends and ex-boyfriends who have come and gone, the life-altering news he received back in August, 2005, and many other things. Even though some of the things he went through I couldn't entirely relate to, I was a shoulder to lean on in times when it was necessary. And sometimes, just being there is enough. Along the way, there were a few instances where what he said got under my skin. He can be very kind-hearted when he wants to be, but he also can be cold and vicious when he feels like he is being attacked. I'm a pretty laid-back, subtle person. So it must be a pretty big issue to get me upset. Many times before, I thought about ending our friendship. But I kept being reminded (and reminding myself) that true friends last a lifetime, and you have to accept people for who they are.
But how much are you supposed to accept about a true friend when you are starting to portray anger on the inside, an emotion that is completely out of your character? What kind of friend do you really have where the person no longer values the friendship you have and quickly dismisses your thoughts, feelings, and opinions? What does it say about a person's true character where he speaks his mind to people with no problems, but yet gets very defensive and does not want to hear what you have to say about him when he does something wrong (or worse, feel that what you have to say is always wrong)? I pondered all of these questions to myself before I told said friend that I no longer wanted to be bothered with him anymore. It honestly was just too much work for me to be his friend. Friends are supposed to lift you up and bring out the very best in you, and everything I said to him lately turned into him beating me down. Shit, who needs that??? And frankly, anyone he interacts with is going to have to deal with that. He's intelligent and witty, but God help you if you ever disagree with him!
And after I reached that decision, I felt like a weight was being lifted from my shoulders. I felt my anger going away. I was and am content with it. I refuse to be bitter about this, because it's a wasted form of energy. Hell, I know the person is gonna be sleeping at night regardless. And I also know that all things work together for the good. It's making me into a better man. I wish the person inner peace and happiness. But I will no longer sacrifice my happiness just to call somebody a friend. I must move on now and keep growing as a person.
In my four years of knowing this person, I was there for him through his highs and lows: the arguments with his mother, the friends and ex-boyfriends who have come and gone, the life-altering news he received back in August, 2005, and many other things. Even though some of the things he went through I couldn't entirely relate to, I was a shoulder to lean on in times when it was necessary. And sometimes, just being there is enough. Along the way, there were a few instances where what he said got under my skin. He can be very kind-hearted when he wants to be, but he also can be cold and vicious when he feels like he is being attacked. I'm a pretty laid-back, subtle person. So it must be a pretty big issue to get me upset. Many times before, I thought about ending our friendship. But I kept being reminded (and reminding myself) that true friends last a lifetime, and you have to accept people for who they are.
But how much are you supposed to accept about a true friend when you are starting to portray anger on the inside, an emotion that is completely out of your character? What kind of friend do you really have where the person no longer values the friendship you have and quickly dismisses your thoughts, feelings, and opinions? What does it say about a person's true character where he speaks his mind to people with no problems, but yet gets very defensive and does not want to hear what you have to say about him when he does something wrong (or worse, feel that what you have to say is always wrong)? I pondered all of these questions to myself before I told said friend that I no longer wanted to be bothered with him anymore. It honestly was just too much work for me to be his friend. Friends are supposed to lift you up and bring out the very best in you, and everything I said to him lately turned into him beating me down. Shit, who needs that??? And frankly, anyone he interacts with is going to have to deal with that. He's intelligent and witty, but God help you if you ever disagree with him!
And after I reached that decision, I felt like a weight was being lifted from my shoulders. I felt my anger going away. I was and am content with it. I refuse to be bitter about this, because it's a wasted form of energy. Hell, I know the person is gonna be sleeping at night regardless. And I also know that all things work together for the good. It's making me into a better man. I wish the person inner peace and happiness. But I will no longer sacrifice my happiness just to call somebody a friend. I must move on now and keep growing as a person.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Reevaluating Friendships
I sent this out through e-mail to my friends and coworkers. Everybody I sent it to loved it, so I thought I'd share this with all of you. Hope it resonates with you just as much as it resonated with me and all the others I sent it to...
There comes a time in all our lives when we may need to evaluate our relationships, making sure that they are having a positive effect on us, rather than dragging us down. Without realizing it, we may be spending precious time and energy engaging in friendships that let us down, rather than cultivating ones that support and nourish us along our path. Life, with its many twists, turns, and challenges, is difficult enough without us entertaining people in our inner circle who drain our energy. We can do so much more in this world when we are surrounded by people who understand what we're trying to do and who positively support our efforts to walk our path.
We can begin this evaluation process by simply noticing how we feel in the context of each one of our close relationships. We may begin to see that an old friend is still carrying negative attitudes or ideas that we ourselves need to let go of in order to move forward. Or we may find that we have a long-term relationship with someone who has a habit of letting us down, or not showing up for us when we need support. There are many ways to go about changing the status quo in situations like this, having a heart to heart with our friend showing through example. This process isn't so much about abandoning old friends as it is about shifting our relationships so that they support us on our journey rather than holding us back.
An important part of this process is looking at ourselves and noticing what kind of friend we are to the people in our lives. We might find that as we adjust our own approach to a relationship, challenging ourselves to be more supportive and positive, our friends make adjustments as well and the whole world benefits.
There comes a time in all our lives when we may need to evaluate our relationships, making sure that they are having a positive effect on us, rather than dragging us down. Without realizing it, we may be spending precious time and energy engaging in friendships that let us down, rather than cultivating ones that support and nourish us along our path. Life, with its many twists, turns, and challenges, is difficult enough without us entertaining people in our inner circle who drain our energy. We can do so much more in this world when we are surrounded by people who understand what we're trying to do and who positively support our efforts to walk our path.
We can begin this evaluation process by simply noticing how we feel in the context of each one of our close relationships. We may begin to see that an old friend is still carrying negative attitudes or ideas that we ourselves need to let go of in order to move forward. Or we may find that we have a long-term relationship with someone who has a habit of letting us down, or not showing up for us when we need support. There are many ways to go about changing the status quo in situations like this, having a heart to heart with our friend showing through example. This process isn't so much about abandoning old friends as it is about shifting our relationships so that they support us on our journey rather than holding us back.
An important part of this process is looking at ourselves and noticing what kind of friend we are to the people in our lives. We might find that as we adjust our own approach to a relationship, challenging ourselves to be more supportive and positive, our friends make adjustments as well and the whole world benefits.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Who? Me?!
I've already told yall about my cute coworker. But I've never mentioned anything about my SEXY coworker...
He's a 31-year-old dude who was born in Honduras (don't know when he came to the U.S.), about 5'9" or 5'10," slim, dark brown skinned, with a body to kill for! I've seen it with my own eyes....nice chest, abs, arms, back. He hits the gym at least 4 times a week, doing all types of pushups and pullups, lifts and dips in the most ingenious ways (I've seen the Youtube clips.) And, he's pretty good lookin in the face. Whew! I think I need a break to fan myself off! LOL Anyway, every day he comes down to where I'm sitting to mess with me, tell me what chick he's messed with/fucked (he's shown me pics), and just shoot the breeze. Even though he has his hoeing tendencies, he is amazingly focused. In 10 years, the man has earned about 5 or 6 certifications, worked his way up from a help desk tech to an Assistant VP (making at least 80K I'm sure), all while married with two kids (he's separated now). And now he's starting his own clothing line because he does not see himself working in Corporate America much longer. I admire his drive and determination to go out there and work hard to get what he wants to make himself happy. I'm still working on getting even half the drive within myself.
Now that I've given you the background on this dude, let's get into what transpired today...
Around 11am today, he strolls over to my desk. "Well if it isn't my man Greg," he says smiling as he reaches out his hand for me to shake. I'm always happy to see his sexy ass!
"Wassup," I replied shakin his hand back.
Some small talk was exchanged, then the question arose...
Sexy Coworker: "If I asked you to help me hit somethin, would you do it?"
*I rewinded in my mind for a few seconds what he just said. Oh shit! Is he for real?! Is he really askin me to join in on a fuckin threesome with him??? Up popped the angel and devil. The angel side said, no. You're a conservative dude; it's really not your thing. Stay away. And hellooooooo....you like dick! LOL
The devil side said, fuck it. You only live once. Live now! Who knows, you might like it so much you'll want it again. And oh yeah, it's a perfect opportunity to see your coworker's dick, the one that slides into those Magnums. It's a win/win situation.* What's a man to do?
Me: "I would first have to see what she looks like first," I said half-heartedly.
SC: "Let's say it was (name of another female coworker that he's already been fuckin)." Would you do it?
Me: *Shrugging my shoulders* "Aight, why not?" I replied nonchalantly.
SC: "Aight bet, and don't back out on me," he replied and walked away.
When he left, I just laughed to myself. Then my self-consciousness started to speak to me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the opportunities of physical expression in the bedroom like anyone else. But who am I kidding? What the hell does my gay ass know about a chick? I've never been with one sexually. What if I don't even get hard when the time comes? Only one coworker knows that I get down, and I only told him cause I've built up a rapport good enough to a point where I know I can trust him with what I tell him, and it won't circulate around the workplace. But this dude? I don't know. He's cool, but I don't know how he'll take it if he knows about me. The funny thing is, he's made jokes about me being gay. He will SERIOUSLY gag if I ever told him the real deal. And besides, who I sleep with is not for everybody at my job to know about, so I seriously doubt if I will ever tell him.
He didn't tell me when this supposed threesome will happen. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But I'm still left laughing and saying to myself, who? Me?!
He's a 31-year-old dude who was born in Honduras (don't know when he came to the U.S.), about 5'9" or 5'10," slim, dark brown skinned, with a body to kill for! I've seen it with my own eyes....nice chest, abs, arms, back. He hits the gym at least 4 times a week, doing all types of pushups and pullups, lifts and dips in the most ingenious ways (I've seen the Youtube clips.) And, he's pretty good lookin in the face. Whew! I think I need a break to fan myself off! LOL Anyway, every day he comes down to where I'm sitting to mess with me, tell me what chick he's messed with/fucked (he's shown me pics), and just shoot the breeze. Even though he has his hoeing tendencies, he is amazingly focused. In 10 years, the man has earned about 5 or 6 certifications, worked his way up from a help desk tech to an Assistant VP (making at least 80K I'm sure), all while married with two kids (he's separated now). And now he's starting his own clothing line because he does not see himself working in Corporate America much longer. I admire his drive and determination to go out there and work hard to get what he wants to make himself happy. I'm still working on getting even half the drive within myself.
Now that I've given you the background on this dude, let's get into what transpired today...
Around 11am today, he strolls over to my desk. "Well if it isn't my man Greg," he says smiling as he reaches out his hand for me to shake. I'm always happy to see his sexy ass!
"Wassup," I replied shakin his hand back.
Some small talk was exchanged, then the question arose...
Sexy Coworker: "If I asked you to help me hit somethin, would you do it?"
*I rewinded in my mind for a few seconds what he just said. Oh shit! Is he for real?! Is he really askin me to join in on a fuckin threesome with him??? Up popped the angel and devil. The angel side said, no. You're a conservative dude; it's really not your thing. Stay away. And hellooooooo....you like dick! LOL
The devil side said, fuck it. You only live once. Live now! Who knows, you might like it so much you'll want it again. And oh yeah, it's a perfect opportunity to see your coworker's dick, the one that slides into those Magnums. It's a win/win situation.* What's a man to do?
Me: "I would first have to see what she looks like first," I said half-heartedly.
SC: "Let's say it was (name of another female coworker that he's already been fuckin)." Would you do it?
Me: *Shrugging my shoulders* "Aight, why not?" I replied nonchalantly.
SC: "Aight bet, and don't back out on me," he replied and walked away.
When he left, I just laughed to myself. Then my self-consciousness started to speak to me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the opportunities of physical expression in the bedroom like anyone else. But who am I kidding? What the hell does my gay ass know about a chick? I've never been with one sexually. What if I don't even get hard when the time comes? Only one coworker knows that I get down, and I only told him cause I've built up a rapport good enough to a point where I know I can trust him with what I tell him, and it won't circulate around the workplace. But this dude? I don't know. He's cool, but I don't know how he'll take it if he knows about me. The funny thing is, he's made jokes about me being gay. He will SERIOUSLY gag if I ever told him the real deal. And besides, who I sleep with is not for everybody at my job to know about, so I seriously doubt if I will ever tell him.
He didn't tell me when this supposed threesome will happen. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But I'm still left laughing and saying to myself, who? Me?!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Sex...The Highest Low?
As how it is most times during the week, my coworker (the one I blogged about) comes over to my desk after his shift is over to chat and shoot the breeze with me. I always enjoy talking with him, and even after I told him that I got down, he never looked down on me in any kind of judgmental way; he's always treated me the same. I think the main reason why I'm so cool with my coworker is that he reminds me so much of myself when I was his age (24)...he's young but he certainly doesn't carry himself like the average 24 year old. He's sophisticated, kinda laid-back, not very promiscuous (I can count on one hand how many sex stories he's told me), and mostly about his business (when he's not payin somebody dust lol). I can honestly say we have a friendship. We normally just laugh talk about coworkers, who was givin shade for the day, how he had to pay his manager dust, etc. (For a dude that claims to be straight, he sure kee kee-s like a good ole homo, but that's neither here nor there lol.) Anyway, he proceeds to tell me about his trip to Miami and the Dominican Republic, for which he enjoyed himself. Then he just said something that really took me off guard. It seemed to have come out of nowhere, although I know it was something he decided a while ago.
"I'm taking six months off," he blurted out.
"Six months off what?" I asked.
He then makes the symbol of sexual intercourse on his hands...one hand balled up into an O shape, with the index finger of the other hand going in and out of the O.
"Ohhhhhhhhh!" I responded incredulously, "Are you serious?"
"Yup," he answered, "I feel so much stronger when I don't do it."
"That's funny. I don't feel stronger until I get it in," I joked. "Well you know the weather's gettin nice. I wish you the best on that."
Even though I was kinda caught off guard by his revelation, now that I think about it it doesn't surprise me as much, knowing all that I know about him at this point.
The next day I marinated on what he said...I feel so much stronger when I don't do it. I assumed he meant physically, but it can also mean mentally. I mean hell, sex does have a way of clouding people's minds from making good judgments. I do remember him telling me that he was with his ex-girlfriend for 4 years (from ages 16-20). Now he's just casually talking to one or two girls. Maybe he feels like if he doesn't have sex, he doesn't have to worry about all the other feelings or emotions and whatever else that comes with the territory of interacting with someone else. I have to pick his brain a little more about this. I can't really say I relate to what he's saying. Even though I have no desire of getting into a relationship, I still have the need to express myself physically with someone else. (Masturbation can only satisfy me for so long, as much I really enjoy it. It's the horny side of me talking lol.) I'm experiencing new-found physical expressions with this dude from Elizabeth (from a few blogs ago). Shit, if his horny ass had his way, we'd be fuckin every day. He was gonna come over this past Friday, but he got lost, then frustrated, then went back home. We've only had sex twice so far, and I honestly do feel better. It's the best stress reliever (not to mention calorie burner). I don't consider myself to be all that great in sex, but it does something to your ego when your partner is moaning and screaming in ecstasy from what you're giving them. You feel like a muthafuckin champ! LOL
But I know there has to be someone else that is going through (or can at least relate) to what my coworker is going through. So now I pose this question to all you bloggers out there...I always thought that sex was supposed to create a sense of well-being. But is/was there ever a time when the joy of sex took something out of you other than physically? Did you ever feel at a low point after you did the do? How? Why? My interest has been piqued now.
"I'm taking six months off," he blurted out.
"Six months off what?" I asked.
He then makes the symbol of sexual intercourse on his hands...one hand balled up into an O shape, with the index finger of the other hand going in and out of the O.
"Ohhhhhhhhh!" I responded incredulously, "Are you serious?"
"Yup," he answered, "I feel so much stronger when I don't do it."
"That's funny. I don't feel stronger until I get it in," I joked. "Well you know the weather's gettin nice. I wish you the best on that."
Even though I was kinda caught off guard by his revelation, now that I think about it it doesn't surprise me as much, knowing all that I know about him at this point.
The next day I marinated on what he said...I feel so much stronger when I don't do it. I assumed he meant physically, but it can also mean mentally. I mean hell, sex does have a way of clouding people's minds from making good judgments. I do remember him telling me that he was with his ex-girlfriend for 4 years (from ages 16-20). Now he's just casually talking to one or two girls. Maybe he feels like if he doesn't have sex, he doesn't have to worry about all the other feelings or emotions and whatever else that comes with the territory of interacting with someone else. I have to pick his brain a little more about this. I can't really say I relate to what he's saying. Even though I have no desire of getting into a relationship, I still have the need to express myself physically with someone else. (Masturbation can only satisfy me for so long, as much I really enjoy it. It's the horny side of me talking lol.) I'm experiencing new-found physical expressions with this dude from Elizabeth (from a few blogs ago). Shit, if his horny ass had his way, we'd be fuckin every day. He was gonna come over this past Friday, but he got lost, then frustrated, then went back home. We've only had sex twice so far, and I honestly do feel better. It's the best stress reliever (not to mention calorie burner). I don't consider myself to be all that great in sex, but it does something to your ego when your partner is moaning and screaming in ecstasy from what you're giving them. You feel like a muthafuckin champ! LOL
But I know there has to be someone else that is going through (or can at least relate) to what my coworker is going through. So now I pose this question to all you bloggers out there...I always thought that sex was supposed to create a sense of well-being. But is/was there ever a time when the joy of sex took something out of you other than physically? Did you ever feel at a low point after you did the do? How? Why? My interest has been piqued now.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Life Changes
Tuesday Morning, May 6, 2008: A man is getting himself ready for work. Everything seems customary. He saw his kids off to school, kisses his wife, probably got some breakfast, etc. But today something is a little different. Just when he is about to leave, he says to his wife how he doesn't feel too well. He lays down in bed, and never wakes up again...
That's basically how it happened for one of my coworkers (but I didn't work with him directly). At 42 years old, God removed him from this earth in an instant from a massive heart attack, leaving behind a grieving wife, two young sons, and a host of relatives, friends, and coworkers. Today was the daunting task of paying our last respects to the man. I sat in one of the 5 pews in the church where his coworkers sat. No, I didn't cry, because I didn't know him that well. But in my few encounters with him, I also saw him in a good mood. As some of my other coworkers who really knew him described him, he was a "gentle giant." Picture a black man that is about 6'4" or 6'5" and weighed about 260 lbs, yet always smiled and was well loved and respected to all that came in contact with him. In my year or so of working at my current job, I have NEVER heard anyone say ANYTHING bad about the man (cause people can spread some serious gossip about somebody at work!). He also was a very well-known party promoter in Jersey City (where he lived all his life). That says something about someone's character in that noone found any faults with him, no matter what field of work he was involved in.
As I listened to the funeral service and observed my coworker in the coffin, many thoughts went through my head. I started seeing family members and friends in the coffin, and yes, even pictured myself lying in there. (Hell, it could've been any of us in there.) It made me wonder about the things in my life that I needed to change/clean up before that fateful day that God decides that it's my time to depart this life as well, because life is VERY short! With all this being said, I made a pact with myself to follow through with the following things:
1. I will not worry myself over anything I have no control over. My job is tops. While I am enjoying the benefits of having a permanent job again after a 2 year layoff, I also know that I could be back in the same position I was before: back to a temp job or, worse, back to the unemployment office. That's just the way the job market is now; you can have a job today, the next day you're laid off. It's out of your control. Whatever will be will be. Why be stressed and discouraged over it? Everything happens for a reason.
2. I will strengthen myself physically, mentally, socially, and professionally. When I was younger, I could care less about exercising or eating right. Shit, I'm a slim dude; I need all the weight I can get! Now that I'm a little older, I realize that I can't just put whatever the fuck I want into my body and not expect it to catch up to me later on. Now I am making a conscious effort to eat better and incorporate some sort of exercise regimen (right now it's mainly push ups and sit ups). I will also strengthen myself by reading more books, watching shows dealing with politics and debates (which I'm still very much a novice at), participating more in discussions (instead of being the usual mute), and work on getting some type of certification for the work that I do (it makes me more marketable when the time comes that I have to change jobs).
3. I will still treat everybody the way I want to be treated, but I will not be concerned now if they are mad at me, not speaking to me, etc. That may sound a little selfish, but if I'm striving to be the best person I can be, I cannot be bogged down with who's mad at me or who's not speaking to me. It's petty bullshit. For most of my life I think I've been too concerned with what others thought of me. No more! I will still do the honorable thing and apologize if I said/did something wrong. But if they're mad after that point, they will get over it. And if they don't, that's their problem. I will still lay my head down at night and get my full 8 hours of sleep. No shade. My life must go on.
4. I will speak up and say what's on my mind more often. This is a hard one for me because I've always had difficulty getting my point across. I also have a problem holding things inside of me for months, even years, which lead to problems later on. But as I watched my coworker's wife and 2 sons place a flower on his casket, my mind immediately went back to September, 1987, when I (as a 9-year-old) did the same thing to my father's casket, and how tears ran down my face as I realized that, not only was I never going to see him again, but there was so much that I didn't get a chance to say to him. Sometimes I think about that and it tears me up that there wasn't closure, but now I realize that I must not let that happen again.
5. I will (re)disccover what my God-given talent is and use it to the best of my ability. When I was a kid, my mother put me in tap dancing class, and I continued the hobby for 8 years. Everybody was calling me the next Gregory Hines (it also helped that we have the same first name). But I stopped after the passing of my mother. At the time, it was too much for me to go on doing it without her. Every now and then I wonder what would've happened had I continued to tap dance. It could've lead to so many doors being opened that I couldn't possibly imagine. Now I ask myself what my talent is. Is it writing? Computers? I know it's there somewhere. I just have to tap into it and, most importantly, not waste a lot of time trying to find it. I've gotta do it, and do it now!
I'm sure there are other points I want to make, but my mind is kinda racing right now and my fingers can't keep up. But I managed to get out the bulk of what I was feeling. It's just too bad that it took something like a funeral for me to come to terms with what I really need to do to better my life. But like I said in the first point, don't all things happen for a reason?
That's basically how it happened for one of my coworkers (but I didn't work with him directly). At 42 years old, God removed him from this earth in an instant from a massive heart attack, leaving behind a grieving wife, two young sons, and a host of relatives, friends, and coworkers. Today was the daunting task of paying our last respects to the man. I sat in one of the 5 pews in the church where his coworkers sat. No, I didn't cry, because I didn't know him that well. But in my few encounters with him, I also saw him in a good mood. As some of my other coworkers who really knew him described him, he was a "gentle giant." Picture a black man that is about 6'4" or 6'5" and weighed about 260 lbs, yet always smiled and was well loved and respected to all that came in contact with him. In my year or so of working at my current job, I have NEVER heard anyone say ANYTHING bad about the man (cause people can spread some serious gossip about somebody at work!). He also was a very well-known party promoter in Jersey City (where he lived all his life). That says something about someone's character in that noone found any faults with him, no matter what field of work he was involved in.
As I listened to the funeral service and observed my coworker in the coffin, many thoughts went through my head. I started seeing family members and friends in the coffin, and yes, even pictured myself lying in there. (Hell, it could've been any of us in there.) It made me wonder about the things in my life that I needed to change/clean up before that fateful day that God decides that it's my time to depart this life as well, because life is VERY short! With all this being said, I made a pact with myself to follow through with the following things:
1. I will not worry myself over anything I have no control over. My job is tops. While I am enjoying the benefits of having a permanent job again after a 2 year layoff, I also know that I could be back in the same position I was before: back to a temp job or, worse, back to the unemployment office. That's just the way the job market is now; you can have a job today, the next day you're laid off. It's out of your control. Whatever will be will be. Why be stressed and discouraged over it? Everything happens for a reason.
2. I will strengthen myself physically, mentally, socially, and professionally. When I was younger, I could care less about exercising or eating right. Shit, I'm a slim dude; I need all the weight I can get! Now that I'm a little older, I realize that I can't just put whatever the fuck I want into my body and not expect it to catch up to me later on. Now I am making a conscious effort to eat better and incorporate some sort of exercise regimen (right now it's mainly push ups and sit ups). I will also strengthen myself by reading more books, watching shows dealing with politics and debates (which I'm still very much a novice at), participating more in discussions (instead of being the usual mute), and work on getting some type of certification for the work that I do (it makes me more marketable when the time comes that I have to change jobs).
3. I will still treat everybody the way I want to be treated, but I will not be concerned now if they are mad at me, not speaking to me, etc. That may sound a little selfish, but if I'm striving to be the best person I can be, I cannot be bogged down with who's mad at me or who's not speaking to me. It's petty bullshit. For most of my life I think I've been too concerned with what others thought of me. No more! I will still do the honorable thing and apologize if I said/did something wrong. But if they're mad after that point, they will get over it. And if they don't, that's their problem. I will still lay my head down at night and get my full 8 hours of sleep. No shade. My life must go on.
4. I will speak up and say what's on my mind more often. This is a hard one for me because I've always had difficulty getting my point across. I also have a problem holding things inside of me for months, even years, which lead to problems later on. But as I watched my coworker's wife and 2 sons place a flower on his casket, my mind immediately went back to September, 1987, when I (as a 9-year-old) did the same thing to my father's casket, and how tears ran down my face as I realized that, not only was I never going to see him again, but there was so much that I didn't get a chance to say to him. Sometimes I think about that and it tears me up that there wasn't closure, but now I realize that I must not let that happen again.
5. I will (re)disccover what my God-given talent is and use it to the best of my ability. When I was a kid, my mother put me in tap dancing class, and I continued the hobby for 8 years. Everybody was calling me the next Gregory Hines (it also helped that we have the same first name). But I stopped after the passing of my mother. At the time, it was too much for me to go on doing it without her. Every now and then I wonder what would've happened had I continued to tap dance. It could've lead to so many doors being opened that I couldn't possibly imagine. Now I ask myself what my talent is. Is it writing? Computers? I know it's there somewhere. I just have to tap into it and, most importantly, not waste a lot of time trying to find it. I've gotta do it, and do it now!
I'm sure there are other points I want to make, but my mind is kinda racing right now and my fingers can't keep up. But I managed to get out the bulk of what I was feeling. It's just too bad that it took something like a funeral for me to come to terms with what I really need to do to better my life. But like I said in the first point, don't all things happen for a reason?
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Born-Again Virgin No More
WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT. DEAL WITH IT LOL...
Anybody that knows me knows how I felt about being a bottom. Nope, not me. I will never, ever, never do that shit again. That stemmed from my frustration and disappointment with the few chosen dudes (four to be exact) lucky enough to get up in my ass. Especially the last dude, who swore up and down on his mama and daddy about how good his top status was, how I was gonna love it, blah blah blah. (Some short dude from Philly. He must've had a Napolean Complex or something.) Anyway, after the lackluster performance that he called fuckin me, I swore off letting anybody else get the chance. And believe it or not, I kept my word for six whole years to the month...April 2002. Many dudes have come after him asking me, hell, practically begging me to give em some. Some gave me the line that they will take their time, and even tried just sticking the head in. But just like nagging mosquitos in the summer, I brushed em all away.
Fuck them! They are not my boyfriends. They'll just get it from somebody else. They will be just fine, I told myself. And I was perfectly content with that answer.
By the time I started to talk to this dude about a year or so ago from Elizabeth that I met from Men4Now, I was happy with the (very high) wall I built up about bottoming. Like I always do, as soon as he hit me up, I immediately went to the "sexual role" part of his profile. Versatile. Great, I said to myself, he's gonna eventually want some ass if we meet. But little does he know that opening is closed indefinitely! Many months passed throughout our phone conversations (and phone boning) about hookin up. I was not pressed on meeting him. I've gone years without meeting people face-to-face that I consider good friends. He definitely did not fit that criteria, so I wasn't beat at all. A phone call or IM every now and then would suit me just fine. And besides, I was still living at home with my aunt and uncle, and he had his brother staying with him, so we really had no place to meet up anyway. (He mentioned a hotel, but I don't do hotels just for sex. Shot that down real quick.) Oh well...life goes on.
But when I moved into my own place earlier this month, a funny thing happened. I actually started thinking about allowing myself to become a bottom once again. But with whom, I said to myself. Shit, I don't wanna just give that up to just any dude. To me, givin up the ass symbolizes giving up a very big part of you that everybody should not be entitled to. I knew I wanted to do it with somebody I was cool (or semi-cool) with, so the Elizabeth dude was near the top of the list. So began my full-fledged propositioning. About a week later, he told me he would come through this past Tuesday. Oh boy, the time has come once again. Gotta finally walk the walk instead of talking the talk. When I got home Tuesday, I saw that he was online, so I hit him up asking if he was still coming. He said he forgot that he had to go to his cousin's house for some kinda party. See, I knew it, he's bullshittin. But hey, I ain't sweatin it. My hole will just continue to stay closed to dicks a little while longer. He then mentions that he's "definitely not doing anything tomorrow." So we rescheduled for the next day.
He calls me the next day while I'm still at work, so I told him I would call him when I get home. When I got home, I was still only halfway believing that he was actually gonna come thru. And I definitely was half-skeptical about letting him in back there. But my optimism won out, so I jumped in the shower and proceeded to get myself together. I text him and hit him up online, and I got no response to neither. Just like I thought, he's not coming. He's full of shit. I went into the kitchen to fix myself dinner and didn't worry about him. Lo and behold, the muthafucka calls me around 8:30 and told me he was coming. Hot damn, he's actually gonna keep his word. "Is 9:30 cool?" he asked.
"Yeah that's fine," I said.
I can't say I was excited or waiting in anticipation. Lord knows I've met up with many dudes, and he really was no different. I was over the excitement of meeting a dude. He calls me around 9:45 and told me he was down the street, so I went outside to meet him and direct him to a parking spot. I got inside his car and was relieved that he was not a monster. (He showed me a nice pic a good while ago, but by then, I practically forgot what he looked like.) I escorted him into my apartment and directed him into my bedroom. Oh yeah, did I mention he had a bottle of Henny with him? LOL We both sipped on the Henny while watching a porno. He seemed to be more interested in the liquor and porno than me, so I scooted my ass over closer and closer to him, which lead to me kissing on his neck. Then we got to it...
More kissin and lickin, me givin him head, him givin me head. I was just happy that I was gettin any kind of action again after four months. Then he asked me, "You wanna fuck me?"
"Yeah, if that's what you want," I answered. (I'm very laid-back in all aspects of my life.") So out comes the condom and lube, and up pop his legs on my shoulders. He told me he last bottomed back in November, and he seemed to be takin it like a damn pro. First on his back, then doggy, then on his stomach. From the way he was moaning and responding, I take it that he enjoyed what I was giving. And believe me, I enjoyed giving it. I silently patted myself on the back for a good job. After that part was over, I straddled myself across his stomach. As I straddled him, he did what oh so many dudes in the past have done...he tried sticking the head in. I quickly pushed away.
"I just wanted to play with it," he says.
"I don't play like that, especially with no condom," I said back.
"Aight, so get the condom."
*Insert Jeopardy music here*
Hmm...should I let him have some or should I just tell him no. Decisions, decisions. After a few seconds, I got myself off the bed and went to my drawer to get another condom, silently talking to myself the whole time.
Maybe it won't hurt as much as the last time I remember.
He's only about 7.5 inches; I think I can deal with that.
He did let me fuck him; it's only right that I reciprocate.
So I climbed on top of him and tried to guide the car into my tunnel. No luck.
"Let me try another position," he said.
Oh boy, here we go.
So I laid myself on my bed, on my stomach, with my legs off the bed. First I felt fingers, then I eventually felt the thing that reminded me six years ago why I absolutely hated being a bottom. I felt the dick reach the part inside me that truly opened me up and made my cherry go, pop! OMG! I don't know if I can get used to this again! He slowly stroked himself in and out of me. It still hurt me but it actually was pretty good nonetheless. He continued for a good while longer until I decided that enough was enough; the probing was over lol. We bust our collective nuts and the show was officially over.
And with that, my Great Wall of China (Great Wall of Greg?) came tumbling down. I accomplished givin up the booty to somebody that I was on pretty good terms with. And I'm sure it's not gonna be some one time thing. I'll meet up with him again and get reacquainted with this whole versatile thing. I know one thing...we better have a bigger bottle of liquor cause that bitch brought over a little half pint of Henny. I was so over him for that shit! LOL I wanna be nice and inebriated next time so I can really be relaxed. Til next time, my hole will return to normal lol. (I know my crew is gagging right now, but smiling. Right?)
Anybody that knows me knows how I felt about being a bottom. Nope, not me. I will never, ever, never do that shit again. That stemmed from my frustration and disappointment with the few chosen dudes (four to be exact) lucky enough to get up in my ass. Especially the last dude, who swore up and down on his mama and daddy about how good his top status was, how I was gonna love it, blah blah blah. (Some short dude from Philly. He must've had a Napolean Complex or something.) Anyway, after the lackluster performance that he called fuckin me, I swore off letting anybody else get the chance. And believe it or not, I kept my word for six whole years to the month...April 2002. Many dudes have come after him asking me, hell, practically begging me to give em some. Some gave me the line that they will take their time, and even tried just sticking the head in. But just like nagging mosquitos in the summer, I brushed em all away.
Fuck them! They are not my boyfriends. They'll just get it from somebody else. They will be just fine, I told myself. And I was perfectly content with that answer.
By the time I started to talk to this dude about a year or so ago from Elizabeth that I met from Men4Now, I was happy with the (very high) wall I built up about bottoming. Like I always do, as soon as he hit me up, I immediately went to the "sexual role" part of his profile. Versatile. Great, I said to myself, he's gonna eventually want some ass if we meet. But little does he know that opening is closed indefinitely! Many months passed throughout our phone conversations (and phone boning) about hookin up. I was not pressed on meeting him. I've gone years without meeting people face-to-face that I consider good friends. He definitely did not fit that criteria, so I wasn't beat at all. A phone call or IM every now and then would suit me just fine. And besides, I was still living at home with my aunt and uncle, and he had his brother staying with him, so we really had no place to meet up anyway. (He mentioned a hotel, but I don't do hotels just for sex. Shot that down real quick.) Oh well...life goes on.
But when I moved into my own place earlier this month, a funny thing happened. I actually started thinking about allowing myself to become a bottom once again. But with whom, I said to myself. Shit, I don't wanna just give that up to just any dude. To me, givin up the ass symbolizes giving up a very big part of you that everybody should not be entitled to. I knew I wanted to do it with somebody I was cool (or semi-cool) with, so the Elizabeth dude was near the top of the list. So began my full-fledged propositioning. About a week later, he told me he would come through this past Tuesday. Oh boy, the time has come once again. Gotta finally walk the walk instead of talking the talk. When I got home Tuesday, I saw that he was online, so I hit him up asking if he was still coming. He said he forgot that he had to go to his cousin's house for some kinda party. See, I knew it, he's bullshittin. But hey, I ain't sweatin it. My hole will just continue to stay closed to dicks a little while longer. He then mentions that he's "definitely not doing anything tomorrow." So we rescheduled for the next day.
He calls me the next day while I'm still at work, so I told him I would call him when I get home. When I got home, I was still only halfway believing that he was actually gonna come thru. And I definitely was half-skeptical about letting him in back there. But my optimism won out, so I jumped in the shower and proceeded to get myself together. I text him and hit him up online, and I got no response to neither. Just like I thought, he's not coming. He's full of shit. I went into the kitchen to fix myself dinner and didn't worry about him. Lo and behold, the muthafucka calls me around 8:30 and told me he was coming. Hot damn, he's actually gonna keep his word. "Is 9:30 cool?" he asked.
"Yeah that's fine," I said.
I can't say I was excited or waiting in anticipation. Lord knows I've met up with many dudes, and he really was no different. I was over the excitement of meeting a dude. He calls me around 9:45 and told me he was down the street, so I went outside to meet him and direct him to a parking spot. I got inside his car and was relieved that he was not a monster. (He showed me a nice pic a good while ago, but by then, I practically forgot what he looked like.) I escorted him into my apartment and directed him into my bedroom. Oh yeah, did I mention he had a bottle of Henny with him? LOL We both sipped on the Henny while watching a porno. He seemed to be more interested in the liquor and porno than me, so I scooted my ass over closer and closer to him, which lead to me kissing on his neck. Then we got to it...
More kissin and lickin, me givin him head, him givin me head. I was just happy that I was gettin any kind of action again after four months. Then he asked me, "You wanna fuck me?"
"Yeah, if that's what you want," I answered. (I'm very laid-back in all aspects of my life.") So out comes the condom and lube, and up pop his legs on my shoulders. He told me he last bottomed back in November, and he seemed to be takin it like a damn pro. First on his back, then doggy, then on his stomach. From the way he was moaning and responding, I take it that he enjoyed what I was giving. And believe me, I enjoyed giving it. I silently patted myself on the back for a good job. After that part was over, I straddled myself across his stomach. As I straddled him, he did what oh so many dudes in the past have done...he tried sticking the head in. I quickly pushed away.
"I just wanted to play with it," he says.
"I don't play like that, especially with no condom," I said back.
"Aight, so get the condom."
*Insert Jeopardy music here*
Hmm...should I let him have some or should I just tell him no. Decisions, decisions. After a few seconds, I got myself off the bed and went to my drawer to get another condom, silently talking to myself the whole time.
Maybe it won't hurt as much as the last time I remember.
He's only about 7.5 inches; I think I can deal with that.
He did let me fuck him; it's only right that I reciprocate.
So I climbed on top of him and tried to guide the car into my tunnel. No luck.
"Let me try another position," he said.
Oh boy, here we go.
So I laid myself on my bed, on my stomach, with my legs off the bed. First I felt fingers, then I eventually felt the thing that reminded me six years ago why I absolutely hated being a bottom. I felt the dick reach the part inside me that truly opened me up and made my cherry go, pop! OMG! I don't know if I can get used to this again! He slowly stroked himself in and out of me. It still hurt me but it actually was pretty good nonetheless. He continued for a good while longer until I decided that enough was enough; the probing was over lol. We bust our collective nuts and the show was officially over.
And with that, my Great Wall of China (Great Wall of Greg?) came tumbling down. I accomplished givin up the booty to somebody that I was on pretty good terms with. And I'm sure it's not gonna be some one time thing. I'll meet up with him again and get reacquainted with this whole versatile thing. I know one thing...we better have a bigger bottle of liquor cause that bitch brought over a little half pint of Henny. I was so over him for that shit! LOL I wanna be nice and inebriated next time so I can really be relaxed. Til next time, my hole will return to normal lol. (I know my crew is gagging right now, but smiling. Right?)
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