Thoughts and Confessions of a Jersey Brotha

Toronto, Here I Come!

2009-07-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

Starting tomorrow (and continuing to Monday, Aug. 3) I will be traveling to Toronto, Ontario, Canada for vacation. I will be partying with the Caribbeans for a festival that's given every year there called Caribana, in addition to visiting my friend who also lives there. So I'll be killing two birds with one stone. I'm excited because 1) I've been to Canada before (Vancouver) and was looking for the opportunity to go back and 2) this is the first vacation I've taken outside the U.S. in four years. So this was a long time coming for me.

Catch yall later. And I promise not to act up too bad. You know them Caribbeans don't be messin around lol.

Family and Family Reunions

2009-06-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, for only the second time in my life, I went to my family reunion. The first one I went to was about 4 years ago and had a lot more people. This one was significantly smaller. Many people opted not to go period, and others who said they were coming didn't show up. Honestly, I was not planning on going myself. I only found out about it the week before, and they were asking for $55 from everybody. I thought to myself, $55 for what??? I don't really feel like being around my family this time. And it's not even a damn pay week. I'll pass. But my cousin (who was coordinating the event) wanted me to come and represent for those in my family with my last name. So after talking with her on the phone for about 10-15 minutes, I gave her my word that I would attend.

The reunion was held at some small park in central NJ. It (supposedly) started at 10AM, and I got there around 1:30PM. No sense being there real early; it is a black event after all lol. And I was right. When I pulled up to the park, there was barely anybody there (I would say about 10 people). This was gonna be a pretty boring ass family reunion. After I greeted the few people that were already there, I sat down and ate and engaged in small conversation. Gradually, people started coming in. And I have to admit, I had more fun than I thought I would. We played a few games, ate some bangin ass food, and just plain had a good time in each other's company.

As we all gathered to leave, the coordinator had some words to say, and the words resonated. She first mentioned how there were "a good 30 people" who told her they would be there but didn't. She went on about how people go where they wanna go and what do what they wanna do, but what do they do for family? She also mentioned how she herself didn't know many of her relatives, even though they lived not too far from her. But the underlying theme was that we may not know each other and do things together like we should, but nothing will ever change the fact that we are and will always be family, and how we need to reach out to each other. Hell, family is the only major stability in life. There's nothing you can do about that. Believe me, I pride myself on the many wonderful friends both old and new in my life. But I'm equally more grateful on the family I have. Nothing like a good ole family reunion to remind a brotha of that.

By the way, the coordinator made no mention of the $55. She didn't press the issue because 1. other people didn't pay either and 2. she understood how the economy was making it hard for some people. Whew...dodged that bullet lmao.

Volunteer Work

2009-04-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

As I stated in my posted entitled "Who? Me?!," my sexy coworker is a very motivated individual. Aside from his overall sexiness, that's one of the main reasons why I am drawn to him as a person. And he did not disappoint me with his motivation...

For the past few months, he has been telling me about how he plans to leave Corporate America and, along with his older brother, start a non-profit organization to increase health awareness in children in New York City, starting in Harlem. Yesterday, his plans came to fruition. Yesterday morning was their inaugural day, if you wanna call it that. They decided to hold a day of games and activities for some kids in Harlem at a school there, and I was one of the volunteers. Even though I absolutely despise waking up early (especially on a Saturday), I can honestly say that I enjoyed myself, and the event turned out to be quite successful. There were other organizations there too, but they all work together with the Children's Aid Society, which has been around for over a century. It was pretty hot yesterday, and for the most part I was just standing around not doing much. But seeing the kids play, laugh and just plain enjoy themselves did give me some satisfaction. And seeing my coworker explain to people the nature of his new organization with passion made me proud that I have gotten to know him and how I need to be around him. In this economy, there is no job security, so you have GOT to have a backup plan! So now I'm just praying and asking God to direct me to my God-given talent.

When the event was over for the day, he sent a text thanking me for my support, and how it meant a lot to him as he tried to keep the momentum of the company flowing. I replied saying it was my pleasure, and congratulated him on doing big things, and how a positive inspiration he was. Think about it...how many people do you know have big plans about their life or career and actually follow through with what they say? Sadly, not many.

I encourage all of you to volunteer somehow, somewhere. It's the best thing you can do as a human being.

My Addiction

2009-03-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

It all started with my father.

When I was a child (around 7), my parents would sometimes let me sleep on the living room couch. Frankly, I didn't mind because I thought it was a lot more comfortable than my bunk bed, which was hard and uncomfortable. When I was there, I would often become awakened by an odd sound...the sound of a high-pitched female. As I opened my eyes to try to figure out where the sound was coming from, my view was blocked by my father sitting directly in front of the TV, with his back to me. It was then that I figured out that the high-pitched female was coming from the TV. She was moaning and making oooohs and ahhhhs sounds repeatedly. Why is she making that sound? I wanna see, I said to myself. Judging by the sound, whatever was going on sure made her feel good. And my father sat in front of the TV for quite a long time to view what was making her feel good. This continued for a few years, and each time, my curiousity became more and more piqued.

Fast forward a few years.

One day, when my parents were out of town, my oldest brother invited his friend and 2 females to come over. He forced my middle brother and I to go to the bedroom while they stayed in the living room. Being the curious little boy that I was, I crept up to the doorway of the living room to hear what was going on. To my amazement, I heard the same high-pitched female sound that I heard when I saw my father in front of the TV. Where they watching the same thing? After a while, I figured out that what my brother was watching had to have been something bad. Why would he not let my brother and I watch it too? So I told him I was gonna tell my parents what my brother had been watching. That was all my brother needed to hear, because he begged me not to tell them, grabbed me, and forced me to sit in front of the TV to see the source of the high-pitched woman. I was fascinated yet confused:

- Why don't they have clothes on?
- What is that hairy thing between her legs?
- Why is he pushing his pee pee into her like that?
- What is that white stuff coming out of his pee pee hole?

I definitely had no plans of telling my parents after that. But I still needed more....more explanation, more sight, more sound, more, more, more!

By the time I was a teenager, my curiosity reached the max. (I wasn't having sex like most teenage boys, so I reached my curiosity max a lot faster lol.) I found out that my brothers had some porno videos hidden away in either our clothes closet or the bottom drawer. When noone was around, I would take the videos out, put them in the VCR (I'm so glad I had a VCR in my room lol), and watched the movies in sheer amazement and joy. I saw white people, black people, and sometimes both enjoying themselves together, moaning and screaming in glee. Suckin dick and titties, eatin pussy, gettin fucked in the pussy and ass, squirting liquids all over their bodies. They were doin it at every location...couches, beds, tables, desks, on a boat, on the floor. Is that what this is all about? I could get used to watching this. Hell, I didn't even masturbate; I was too amazed by their own euphoria to worry about myself.

Now, anybody that knows me knows (or has heard) that I collect porn clips/movies to distribute. I sometimes buy them online, but most times I get them for free from multiple yahoo groups that post them (damn, just revealed my secret lol). Some of them take a long time to download, but I'm a very patient man for FREE porn! I sometimes like the straight ones (mmmmmm Brian Pumper), but they don't get me like the good ole gay ones (I love it every time Shorty J gets fucked). My friends and friends of my friends ask me if I have this so and so movie with so and so. Many times, they will just say that they need any clip/movie and leave it up to me to decide what I want to give them. I feel like a gay Blockbuster. Shit, I have 25 CDs/DVSs of porn, and that's not even counting the many more stored on my laptop. Oh well, it is what it is. But I say all this to say, without shame (or rehab)...

My name is Greg, and I am a porn addict.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2009-03-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

Today I gain another year (a total of 31.) And don't even ask me if I feel old. I'm not older; I'm better! LOL And I must be doing something right, because when I went to dinner, the waitress asked to see my ID when I ordered an alcoholic drink. Thank God for good genes lol. I enjoyed my entire birthday weekend. Happy Birthday to me!

Oh yeah, and 2 of my female coworkers gave me a bouquet of flowers. First time I've ever gotten flowers in my life. Now I don't know how to take care of the damn things lol.

The Competence of Being Incompetent

2009-02-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

For the most part, I can honestly say that I like my job. The company has a very down-to-earth atmosphere (possibly because it's privately-owned), most of the people are very charming and easy to talk to (including the best COO I've ever come in contact with), I'm always learning new things, and there is plenty of room for growth and opportunity.

But like every job, there are some things that I don't like. And for me, my main issue is my supervisor. Granted, she's a nice woman, but for the life of me, I cannot ascertain why/how she became a supervisor. Shit, just being nice ain't gonna cut it in Corporate America! At her previous place of employment (which she reminds me of at least once a month), she wasn't even remotely any type of supervisory role. She was a plain old worker. In my 2 years of being under her "leadership" (for lack of a better word), I have watched her crash and burn from instances ranging from telephone conferences to meetings. She can't even type a simple e-mail without asking me how the grammar and spelling are (OK, chalk that up to her being originally from India, but that's a mute point. She's been in the U.S. over 10 damn years now; no sympathy here lol). But in even greater instances, our department manager (her direct boss) frequently has to tell or remind her of things she needs to be taking care of as a supervisor, since his hands are tied with so many other things. Sometimes I just sit and laugh to myself about my manager chewing out my supervisor about what she did or more frequently, didn't do. I swear, it's pure comedy most times lol. My supervisor seriously lacks effective leadership, technical, and interpersonal skills. And she's reactive rather than proactive. A few times, I've had to take it upon myself to present and handle things myself rather than wait on her to make a decision, and it's paid off. (And it also boosts up my employee goals/accomplishments for the year.)

So today as I perused CNN.com like I do most days, I came across an interesting link to the Time Web site entitled "Competence: Is Your Boss Faking It?" Click here if you wish to read the article in its entirety. I think this article was pretty much reading everyone's mind who has ever had to report to a boss. How many times have we said to ourselves (or another coworker, friend, etc.) that our boss can't possibly be as incompetent as they are? How much bullshit did they talk to land them on top of the heap? Hell, do they even know or remember the bullshit they talked to land them on top of the heap?

A few years ago, I read a book called "Work Would Be Great If It Weren't for the People." But in this case, wouldn't work be great if it weren't for (incompetent) bosses? Can Congress include that in the stimulus package? LOL

My 3-Day MLK Weekend

2009-01-19T19:12:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, I told myself that I was gonna have fun (since I didn't have to work on Monday), yet stay warm (cause God knows it's cold as shit now!). I accomplished the first, but not quite the second one. You can't win em all you know lol.

Friday night one of my friends had a little get-together at his house to celebrate his 26th birthday. It was good seeing him, cause I haven't seen him in months. And I'm proud of him because he used to weigh over 200 lbs. Now he looks at least 40 lbs slimmer. He's actually looking kinda sexy now lol. It was also good to see his brother, who I am also friends with. Haven't seen him a while either, but he is still keeping himself together physically too. I also saw a few others there that I'm cool with. Everybody seemed to be having a good time. Liquor was flowin (rum, vodka and gin) and I think people were in there smoking just about everything (but I don't smoke). A spades game was briefly played, but I don't think anybody could really concentrate cause they were either drunk or high lol. Then the music kicked in. I tell you, if I see one more homo dance to Single Ladies I'ma fight em lol. But I must admit, you can't sit still when that song comes on. But I didn't start movin til the House Music came on. Now that's my shit! By the time 2:00 came, people were startin to be out, so I left soon after (there wasn't much goin on after you left, Jay). My weekend was startin off pretty well.

Saturday my sexy coworker, myself and whoever else he decided to bring with him planned on going to the movies to see The Wrestler, with Mickey Rourke. (We like to see movies together, sue us lol.) But plans changed...when he called me that evening, he told me that "the consensus" decided they wanted to see Notorious, the movie based on the life of rapper The Notorious B.I.G. I was indifferent about the movie; it wasn't my first choice on the movie to see, but I didn't care that we were going to go see it. We decided to go see it at this movie theater in Manhattan (in Union Square), and ordered the tickets online at Fandango.com. We knew the ticket lines would most likely be ridiculously long, and when I got to the theater, I was right! It was jam packed with people. Even the lines for the Fandango kiosks were long as hell. Here we go, I said to myself. I was the first one to get there, so my coworker told me to save 4 seats. "I'll try," I said. I knew the line would be long, but I was not prepared for what I saw: the line outside the theater was literally down the ramp and up against the wall. I have NEVER seen a line so long for a movie. (Of course the thugs came out to suppport, but there were surprisingly quite a few white people there as well.) And I was allllllllll the way in back of the line. I couldn't believe it. This is a classic reason why I hate seeing movies opening weekend. But alas, a silver lining....one of the movie ushers told the crowd that they were seating people in the balcony section as well, because it was a "sold-out show." I really wasn't expecting to find a seat, but I took my chances anyway. Good thing I did, cause there were actually seats available for our party of five. I had to be ingenious and put my coat on two of the coats, and my scarf on the other two. And believe me, people were eyein them seats. Hell, I practically had to beat em off lol. About 15 minutes later, my coworker finally arrives with some female family friend (that he already fucked, natch lol). He told me that the other two (his sister and brother-in-law) were still on their way. About the movie....uhhhh...I thought it was good for what it was. I wasn't expecting it to be some grand, award-winning movie. It pretty much told us what most of us in the NYC area already knew about the man: he grew up in a single parent household, sold crack, how he met Diddy & 2Pac, his rise in the hip hop game, his meeting Lil Kim and Faith Evans, the whole East Coast-West Coast rivalry, and his untimely death. The dude who played Biggie was pretty good. And of course Angela Bassett always does her thing. I can see why Lil Kim was mad, cause she was portrayed like a straight-up jumpoff. Oh well, if the shoe fits... lol. The girl that played her was OK. Derek Luke (dude from the Antwone Fisher movie) played Diddy. Didn't like his performance all that much. I didn't like the 2Pac character that much either. (The dude from the Spike Lee movie She Hate Me.) If I was Roger Ebert, I would give it a marginal thumbs up. (We still plan on going to see The Wrestler though.)

Sunday morning at 8:30, I was awakened by the ringing of my telephone. Anybody that really knows me knows that I am not a morning person. You're lucky to get me on the phone at 10:00 on weekends, seriously. And I also hate being awakened from my sleep, because I don't fall back asleep easily (or sometimes not at all). After about a half hour, I struggled with myself to get out of bed to find out who interrupted my sleeping time. It was...ta dah!...my sexy coworker lol. He sent me a message saying that he's going snow boarding and invited me to come along. (He went snowboarding about a month or so before, and he loved it and couldn't wait to go again.) We had discussed this yesterday, and I could've sworn he told me he wasn't going. That bastard lol. But one thing about my coworker is that he's very adventurous and doesn't mind trying new things. (Hmmm...I bet the same applies in the bedroom too lmao.) It was just one more thing for me to say I did in my life, so I kinda jumped at the opportunity. My black, homo ass was going snowboarding! So I got myself ready and headed up to Vernon, NJ (about 1 1/2 hours from me). I got there around noon and it was crowded as hell with both snowboarders and skiers. Guess everybody had the same idea. There were also quite a few black people up there. Go head us...tryin to take over skiing and snowboarding too lol. I met up with my coworker and 4 other dudes. One dude was a newbie, just like me, another was there for about the third time, and the other was pretty much a pro. He was showing me and the other newbie dude the basics like how to position our feet, how to control our speed, how to stop, and how to steer. It's definitely harder than it looks, and I took a whole lot of falls. We practiced for a while on a little hill, then worked our way to two more hills. *I have to stop here to tell you that the other newbie dude was a Latino from Queens, but he had such a nice ass! I caught a glimpse of it when he was removing his shirts to wipe off the snow. I saw it through his windbreaker pants. You don't know how much energy it took for me to control myself lol. Turns out he's a personal trainer. If personal training gives you that, shit, sign me up!* Back to the story...the second and third hills were not kind to me at all. I can't even count how many falls I took...on my back, my stomach, my knees, my ass, my hands. It was quite a challenge. I was so damn exhausted and cold after I while I just said fuck it and walked down the hill. I went to the cafeteria and got myself some hot chocolate. But nonetheless, I enjoyed myself. I left around 8:30.

And today I was supposed to go to Dave & Buster's with a few others, but I was in so much pain in my body I didn't feel like goin out. Even as I write this, my elbow, legs, knees and ass are still hurting lol. Sucks to be non-athletic. Oh well. I'll be OK after a while.

So that sums up my weekend. Hope yall enjoyed yours.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-30T18:04:00.000-08:00

Have a safe and Happy New Year everyone! May the new year bring you (and me) all the blessings and good favor that you need and deserve!

What a (Thankful) Thanksgiving!

2008-11-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

My original plans for Thanksgiving were to either spend it with my brother, nieces and nephew in PA, or just go to my aunt and uncle's house in central Jersey (where I used to live with them). I had planned it that way for about a good week or so. But early last week, my sexy coworker (read all about him in my blog entitled "Who? Me?!") asked me what I was doing, and extended an invitation for me to join him and his family for a Thanksgiving dinner at his sister's house in the Bronx, NY. I thought to myself, Hmmm...well it would give me a great opportunity to see his sexy ass again, and his family always welcomes me whenever they see me, but do I really feel like driving to the Bronx? I'll have to think about that one.

After going back and forth with myself for the next few days leading up to the holiday, I decided to nix the PA visit (didn't feel like driving the long distance). I called my aunt to see who else was coming to the house, and she mentioned her son (who I have no problem with, but really didn't feel like talking to him all day long with), and her grandchildren. Nope, not enough people, I said to myself. So I decided I was gonna go to my aunt and uncle's house, then make my way to the Bronx afterwards. On Thanksgiving Day, I text my coworker around 1PM and told him that I was on my way to the aunt and uncle's house, and that I was only gonna be there for a few hours, to which he replied, "OK." I finally arrived at the house and greeted all that were present: my aunt, uncle, cousin, and his kids (her grandkids - one 16-year-old boy and one 18-year-old girl). But then I saw two others I didn't recognize. Turns out they were two friends of the 18-year-old, so I cordially shook both of their hands. One of them was around 10, and the other was around my female cousin's age, with baggy jeans, baggy shirt, and two pigtails. Looked like a damn hoodlum to me lol. The hoodlum was a friend that went to college with my cousin, and the 10-year-old was the hoodlum's cousin. After some small talk, it was finally time to do what the hell we were there for...to eat! It was at the table that I came to realize that the "hoodlum" was a girl. She looked just like a dude to me lol. And she didn't even have a female's name. And I observed the interaction between her and my cousin, and then I saw it......my cousin had a tattoo of a guitar with the rainbow colors in the middle! Wooooooooow....my cousin is a lesbian, and this is her girlfriend! LOL I chuckled to myself at that, even though nobody mentioned it (it wasn't the time anyway). But I'm very curious to know what her parents and my aunt had to say about that, being that they're all Pentecostal ministers (you know how they, and most Christians, feel about homosexuality). After we finished eating, I went to help my uncle with some iPod issue, and my cousin and girlfriend went into the living room to watch TV, with my cousin leaning all over her girlfriend. Yup, she's definitely gay lol. This is an interesting Thanksgiving, but it was gonna get even more interesting...

I was pretty much over all of them by 5PM, so I made my grand exit. Coincidentally enough, my sexy coworker text me telling me to let him know when I was on my way, and I happily obliged. I called him when I was about 10-15 minutes away, and he tells me that he'll leave the door open because he's about to take a shower. O-M-G...let me hurry my ass up to see him! I was cursin every car in front of me and every damn traffic light lol. When I stepped inside, he had just gotten out of the shower, and he was standing upstairs with nothing on but a towel! *Fanning myself* It took everything within me not to run upstairs and rip off the towel. Talk about torture! I calmed myself down after he came downstairs fully clothed. That flirtatious bastard lol.

So we made our way to his sister's house about 20 minutes away. We stepped inside and most of his family members were already there. Most of them I didn't know though, but I greeted everyone with handshakes for the men and kisses on the cheeks for the women. I especially was greeted by his mother (who adores me), his father, and his female cousin. After some small talk with a few of his family members, it was time for me to eat for the second time. But at this dinner, they had some nice red wine, and my coworker's brother-in-law made some bangin ass jello shots filled with Bacardi and Parrot Bay. Compliments to him! LOL After the food and drinks had subsided, my coworker proceeds to look in is iPhone for movies that are playing that night (he's always looking for a movie to see).

Me: What movie are you looking to see?
Sexy Coworker: I'm looking to see that movie Milk with Sean Penn. (Milk is the story about 70s gay rights activist Harvey Milk, the first gay man ever elected to a public office. If you are not familiar with him or his story, go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_milk).
Me: Who are you going to see it with?
SC: I'll go by myself.
Me: I'll go with you. (I didn't have to work the next day, and this was a good way to chill with him one-on-one.)
SC: Aight cool. (Jokingly) You think it'll look right for us to be seeing this kind of movie together?
Me: (Jokingly) Just don't sit next to me.

Not too long after, we left his sister's house, dropped off his cousin, and made our way into Manhattan to the movie. We talked about a few things on the way there (including how I felt about gay marraiges), but nothing at all about the movie. We finally get to the theatre, and it was packed. (It was playing at a small, local theater, so it was very easy for the theater to get packed.) So guess what? We had to sit right next to each other. Oh well lol. And the movie was excellent! Sean Penn really did a good job playing Harvey Milk. There were a lot of things I connected with and related to in the movie. In fact, there was one scene where Milk is giving a speech and he shouts, "Come out to your coworkers! Come out to your friends!" Ummm....is he talking about me? LOL All throughout the movie, revealing my "secret" to my coworker was nagging at me. When we left the theater and got back into his car, we talked about how great the movie was. I asked him why he chose to see that movie, and he tells me that he's a very open-minded person and how comfortable he is with himself. At this point, I felt like I was gonna burst if I didn't tell him. And since we just got finished seeing a movie about gays and gay rights, now was the perfect time for me to tell him. So here is the big moment:

Me: So (insert name here), let me tell you something...
SC: Yo (meaning, go ahead).
Me: I'm gay.
SC: You?
Me: Yup. I know you already knew, with all those gay jokes you say to me.
SC: Nah, I was actually just playing with you. If I'd have known, I wouldn't have made the jokes at all. But I'm cool with it.
Me: Well that actually didn't bother me at all, cause I know you're a silly ass.

We talked a little while longer about the subject: why did I "choose" this lifestyle, who else at our job knows, who at our job is also gay (he mentioned 2 people, but I didn't know either one of them), who at our job he thought or still thinks is gay, if family knows, have I ever dated/messed with women. I was expecting those types of questions, so I answered everything honestly. I think he's bi-curious, because he told me that he does wonder what it would be like to be with another man, but he keeps reminding himself on how he loves to "blaze women." (I'll work on him on that lol.) I really felt a big relief because gradually it was eating away at me. And hell, it was gonna come out eventually, cause things like that always do. But I was even more relieved that he took the news in stride. It's always a double-edged sword when you drop some news like that on a person. Either they're gonna accept it, move on, and treat you exactly the same as before they found out, or just do a complete 360 and stop being bothered with you. After our discussion, I'm sure it's the former. In fact, when I was getting into my car to go home, he already invited me back to his house for Christmas.

Now only two people at my job know about me. But the question remaining is....is he still gonna bring over a chick for this threesome we're supposed to have? LMAO. I reminded him about that as well, and he said, "Oh yeah, I do have to work on that." But time will tell. Oh well, that's neither here nor there.

What a Thanksgiving huh?

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T16:56:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to wish you all (and your families) a Happy Thanksgiving! May you always be grateful for everything you have in your life...family, friends, your health, a place to live, food to eat, etc. But especially in this rough economy, be thankful you have a job! (I know I am.) God bless you all!

A Tribute to Our President-Elect

2008-11-06T16:52:00.001-08:00

Here are some newspaper covers and reactions from people all over the world regarding President-Elect Obama. It's quite an amazing feat that one person can have so much of an impact on the world!

From France:

From the Philippines:

From Senegal:

From Indonesia:

All Hail the Queen (of Pop)

2008-10-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

After nearly 20 years, my dream finally came to fruition this past Friday...I saw one of my favorite performers live in concert: the one and only Janet Damita Jo Jackson! I've bought every album she has made since the Control album. The reason why I like her so much is because I am also the youngest sibling in my family. So I know what it's like to try to blaze your path and step out of the shadows of older siblings to fully establish yourself. And what a path she has blazed for herself! Multi-platinum albums, numerous #1 hits, millions of albums sold worldwide, and the only artist to have 7 top 5 singles from one album (not even Michael has been able to do that). She has paved the way for just about every female artist in the 90s and 00s with her intricate choreography alone (can you really imagine artists like Ciara if there were no Janet?)

When I found out back in May that she was going to be touring again and making a stop at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, NJ, I signed up for the Janet Jackson Fan Club just so I can get the advanced tickets. Yes they were a bit pricey cause I ordered a floor ticket, but hey, this was a golden opportunity. And who knows if she'll be touring any time again in the future? After all, this was her first tour in seven years. I was gonna take advantage of and fully enjoy this opportunity.

She cancelled and postponed a few concerts before the NJ one because of vertigo, so I was a little concerned that this one would follow the same fate. So to say tha I was so excited when I got the Izod Center was an understatement. I couldn't wait to take my seat and see the woman of the hour live and in person. And my friend that I came to the concert with pointed this out as well, but Janet is one of the few artists who can transcend every race, nationality, ages, and sexuality. There were people from ALL backgrounds there, which is a true testament to her superstar status. The concert was supposed to start at 7:30 (with LL Cool J as the opening act), but it actually didn't start til around 8:20, with no LL in sight. And honestly, who needs him? Janet doesn't need an opening act! So I didn't care at all that he wasn't there.

*WARNING...IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE CONCERT AND STILL PLAN ON GOING, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!*

The lights dimmed, and a booming voice comes over the intercom system. And suddenly, two oversized letter J's move out of the way to reveal the woman we all paid money to see. The crowd went crazy. And she looks the same in person as she does on TV. She was short and petite, yet she had a commanding stage presence. She had her hair in a mohawk, and she was wearing a beige and black catsuit (as shown in the pic above). And she is so beautiful! A few seconds after the spotlight turned on, she went into her first song of the night: "The Pleasure Principle." She then segued into such songs as "Escapade" and "Feedback." I was so happy I got a floor seat, cause when she walked to the front of the stage, I was able to see a nice view of her. I was not happy that I didn't have a digital camera with me. The tickets said "no cameras or recorders," but as soon as she stepped to the front of the stage, the cameras and lights were flashing. I was so over all of them! LOL I had my little cell phone, but that shit did not even compare. Ugh....oh well. The memories will be etched in my mind. As she went through hit after hit, costume change after costume change (including a gorgeous red evening gown she wore during one part), I think I only sat down for a few minutes. (Of course, that also had to do with everybody else standing up in front of me lol.)

Janet then stops to talks, and she says that people have been asking her why she doesn't do certain songs on tour. Hmmm....I wonder what songs she's talking about, I said to myself. "This is for the true diehard fans," she says before going into three songs from her very first two albums (the self-titled one and Dream Street): "Young Love," "Say You Do," and "Don't Stand Another Chance." That was truly a welcome surprise, cause I haven't heard those songs in a looooooooooooong time.

Then came the part that Janet has been known for for a few years...bringing up a male concertgoer to do the really sexual part of the show. This year she decided to choose the song "Discipline," and the lucky dude was a white, pretty cute dude that was sitting in the front row (that bastard lol). The song has an S&M-type of feel, so it was fitting that the female dancers tied him up with leather straps and metal hooks and suspended him horizontally at one point, while Ms. Jackson lied on the floor right beneath him. The dude was then lowered right on top of her, and she showed just how nasty she can be by pressing his head right into her cleavage. Then he was lowered onto the floor, and she got on top of him and simulated the riding position, then a 69 position. Everybody went crazy! And I know that dude will NEVER forget that day!

After a few more songs and costume changes, the unfortunate time came for her to exit stage left. Dressed in all white, she graciously thanks NJ for coming to see the show, and bid us good night. This was around 11:30. We all slowly filed out of the building to get into our cars.

People can say what they want about Janet. No she's not the greatest singer (which is also why I'm glad I bought the floor ticket), and yes her album sales haven't been selling the way they used to. Hell, what artist do you know has a multi-platinum album every single time? None! But there's no denying that you get your money's worth from her concerts. She is one of the best live performers you will ever see. Why the hell it took me so long to see it with my own eyes I will never understand, but oh well. Better late than never. And I'm so glad it wasn't too late. Now I can die in peace lol.

Did McCain Back Himself Up Into a Corner?

2008-10-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

McCain is now forced to defend his opponent after one of his own supporters referred to Obama as "an Arab." Boos follow thereafter when McCain further defends Obama. I'm sure this is not where he envisioned himself to be at this point in the election. See the clip below.

The Online Meet/Hookup Genesis

2008-09-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

I was a senior in college back in November 2000 and, after much wrangling with myself for years, I made a very big decision in my life: I decided that I was going to enter the homosexual lifestyle full force. I knew I didn't want a relationship, just some dudes to give me a good time, be it friends or otherwise (*wink*). But then another issue arose: how would I go about meeting dudes? I didn't hang around with any gay people, nor did I know of any family members who were, so meeting dudes from family and friends was out of the question. Neither was me approaching a dude off the street (I was much too introverted for that) or in a bar or club (I wasn't going to any back then). My options were getting slim to none. Then one day, one of my coworkers told me about a Web site that he frequented often, mostly while at work. It was a site that had a lots of females of all ages, races, and backgrounds from all parts of the country, and how you can go to their pages to see what they're all about, who they are, what they're looking for, etc. But most of all (and this the part that really piqued my interest), if they really like you, you can meet them face-to-face, and take it from there. The site was called Blackplanet.com. Hmmm, it sounds interesting. I wonder if I can do the same with dudes, I wondered to myself. So a few weeks later, I created a page of my own and started to slowly peruse the site. I couldn't really say I was blown away by everything, but there were some things that I was impressed with. And it didn't take me long to figure out other alternatives on the site: there were gay and bisexual dudes on there too. That was my jackpot moment lol. And for me, it killed multiple birds with one stone: I didn't have to worry about 1) approaching dudes off the street or clubs and 2) having other people find out all my business due to the informality. Hell, I basically controlled who I met and when and where (when that time came of course). Where has this site been all my life?

The next step in the process was...who was going to be the first dude I met off the site? I started doing a search of all the dudes in Newark. I lived there and was going to school there, so convenience was necessary. I read the pages of a few dudes. The ones I really liked I sent them a message (I don't think it could've been anymore than "Wassup" or something like that). A few days later, one dude replied, saying to leave him some contact information so we can talk faster. I left him my phone number, and he called me the next day when I was in my dorm room. He was asking me where I was and if I wanted to meet him. I agreed to go to his house about 15 minutes away to meet up with him. On my way there, I was quite nervous and anxious, cause this was so new to me. I just hoped that everything turned out alright, and he wasn't ugly or a damn weirdo lol. I stepped up to his door and rang the doorbell, and a few seconds later he opens the door and lets me in. To my relief, he wasn't ugly. He wasn't drop-dead gorgeous, but he also wasn't a monster either. Whew! One issue down! He was about 6', 180 lbs, dark brown skinned, moustache and goatee. I was content. We sat down on his bed and small-talked for about 30 minutes. Then he asks me the question that most homosexuals have heard over and over again: Are you a top or a bottom? What the fuck is he talking about? What should I say to him? "I'm both," I lied. "Oh, so your're versatile," he replied. I nodded my head. "Well I'm a top," he said. "Oh," I said back, figuring out in my own head that I guess he meant he likes to do the fucking. "I wanna do something with you...now!" he blurts out. "OK," I replied nonchalantly. He moves closer to me, unbuttons my jeans and proceeds to give me head. Watching his head go up and down and the feel of the the suction on my penis, I laid back in enjoyment and determined that I could get used to this homo thing, and it was turning out just the way I liked. I then returned the favor and gave him some head, while he laid back and moaned. He then reached inside the back of my boxers and played with my tight hole with his finger. Can't say that it was a good feeling, but I tolerated it because I assumed it was part of the whole process, and him being a top and all. Next, he lays on my back, lifts my legs up and plays with my hole with his wet, warm tongue. Oh hell yeah I can get used to this! Then kissing and grinding soon followed. But the ecstasy left soon after and the pain began...he sticks his penis into my tight hole and keeps on pressing. I almost felt tears come to my eyes, for it was the most unbearable pain I had ever felt in my life. How the fuck am I gonna get used to this shit??? How do other dudes do this? After many attempts, he only managed to get a little bit past the head of his penis inside me, but it mind as well have been the whole 8.5 inches if you ask me lol. I was just glad he stopped trying after a while. And besides, he said he had to go. We put on our clothes, and I agreed to drive him to whereever he had to go. He shakes my hand, tells me to call him sometime, and gets out my car. So began my genesis of the online meet/greet/hookup.

Cut to a few weeks ago (and many, many online hookups/meetings later lol). I was bored at home after a long day of work and decided to create a page on Facebook.com. My coworkers (both the sexy one and cute one, natch lol) told me a little about it. My curiosity got the best of me, so I wanted to see if it was really worth writing home about. To me, it was just like any other site: age, location, sex, interests, blah blah blah. Then I saw it....Interested in Men or Women? Here we go again. What should I select? I decided to leave that part blank. Why? Because I honestly don't know what the hell I wanna use the site for. Networking? Hookup? Friendship? I would be happy if I never met another dude online again. It was my high for about 8 years, and now, just like weed or any other damn drug, the high was coming down. No longer was I nervous or even excited about online hookups. I've met enough good and bad dudes to last me pretty much the rest of my life. It just got repetitious. And the way I see it, in this lifestyle, fuck six degrees of separation. There's only ONE degree of separation! It's only a matter of time you meet someone that knows/hooked up with someone you know or met. Don't get me wrong, I occasionally slip back into that online hookup (hey, it's a guilty pleasure sometimes lol), but I'm basically done with all the hype of it.

So now I turn the spotlight on you. What was the underlying reason why you decided to create an online page? What was your first experience like? How do you feel about online hookup sites now? Tell me your genesis story.

My Labor Day Weekend

2008-09-02T17:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a little while, so I'll fill in the gap by talking about my past weekend.......

- After work on Friday, all I kept thinking about was going to the liquor store lol. So as soon as I walked back to my car after getting off the train, that's exactly what I did. I owed it to myself; I haven't had a drink on a Friday night in about a month or so. So I sat in my apartment and enjoyed the company of Mr. Bacardi. He entertained me very well lol.

- Saturday morning I was supposed to help volunteer for a kid's picnic, but it was postponed because of all the talk about rain (which explains why I was drinking on Friday night). I absolutely HATE waking up early on Saturdays, so I was so glad that I had yet another Saturday where I can just sleep in.

Later on that evening, I made my way over to BBQs in Manhattan to attend a birthday dinner for a friend. I was told by the b-day boy that everyone should be there by 8:45. He should've known better than to think that black people were gonna be on time somewhere! There were people showing up at 9:30, 10:00. And to make matters worse.....he invited over 20 people! WTF?! There was only one person I knew previously; everybody else was a bunch of new faces. I only talked to a handful of them though. One of them was a dude from VA. He seemed very cool and down to earth, so I had no problem talking to him. We finally got seated around 10:30. I was so over that function by then, but I couldn't just walk out on the birthday boy. And besides, I was enjoying the conversation of VA dude and a few others, so that kinda eased my mind about waiting so fuckin long to get seated.

I finished my food around midnight, and by that time I was VERY ready to go. I also promised my sexy coworker that I would come to his house for a cookout/gathering in the Bronx (more on him later). But VA dude asked me if I would drive him to Harlem to drop him off at his frat brother's house, where he was staying for the weekend. He also informed me that he was having some kinda party there, and I can just have a drink and go. Sounds good to me....get a free drink and bounce. No brainer lol. And his house was pretty much in the same direction as the way I was going to my coworker's house, so I didn't mind. When I stepped in his frat brother's house, all I felt was heat! It was sooooooooo mutha fuckin hot in his house! There were a good amount of people there, but it wasn't packed. Man I couldn't wait to get the hell outta there. So after about a half hour or so, I said goodbye to VA dude, his frat brother and some other people that I briefly met and headed out the door.

I got to my sexy coworker's house well after 1AM, but he was still there talking to his brother and cousin (both of whom I've gotten to know). He sees me and hugs me the manly way (one-armed hug), then he shocks me (in a good way) and throws both of his arms and presses his well-toned body against mine. If only he knew how much my gay ass wanted him, he would not be doing that, I thought to myself. But maaaaaaaaaan, I was so glad he did! LOL I didn't want him to let me go. I think I've established a pretty good bond with him (hell, I would call it a friendship at this point). He invites me to every cookout/gathering that his family has now. His moms and family members all like me and ask about me, wondering if I'm gonna be at the next event. Shit, I guess I'm officially adopted by them now lol. Oh yeah, and I spent the night at his house cause I was a little tipsy from the beers and pretty tired (it was about 4 or 5:00 by this time). And here's the kicker....he laid out a blanket for me to lay on on the floor and laid right next to me. I have never had anybody do that to me before. Was I gonna say anything? You must be out ya damn mind lol. I was gonna enjoy every second of having him next to me like that. Now if only he can lay on top of me....ahhhhh wishful thinking lol. I ended up leaving his house around 9 Sunday morning.

- Sunday was church, and later that day I was convinced by another friend to go to some local bar/lounge not too far away. I met up with 5 other people. It was free to get in (thank God), and I told myself I would only get one drink (a beer or somethin). But I was waiting so long at the bar for one of the two bartenders that the people I met up with were over the place and decided to leave. Not that I minded; I wasn't really feelin the place anyway, so I was glad to be leaving.

Three of us decided to head to lower Manhattan to see what was goin on. We ended up goin to one bar (one more drink) and one club (yet another drink). Both places I didn't really like too much (could've been both the music and the people), but I'm not really one to complain. And besides, I wasn't the driver so if the driver wanted to say, too damn bad for me.

We left that and went to a house party in Harlem (NYC really saw my face all weekend lol). Don't ask me why they were charging people $10 to get in like it's a bona fide club or somethin, and I begrudgingly paid the fee. There I met up with another one of my friends. (And no I didn't buy any more drinks lol.) The music was right (mostly house music and reggae), so I was gonna dance off that $10 I had to pay. I also talked most of the night to a dude that was originally from Philly, but moved to the Bronx. He was very sociable and pretty easy on the eyes. Body was decent too. He had a boyfriend, but that didn't stop him from asking for my number so that we can hang out sometime. I had a pretty nice time, and we practically stayed til it was over (about 4:30). I got home around 6 (while texting the Philly dude most the way home).

- Monday I went to visit my brother over in PA and see my nieces and nephew. It seemed like it took forever to get to his house, but it was about a good hour and a half. I killed two birds with one stone with the visit: I wanted to see them cause I kinda felt guilty about going so long without me seeing them (it's been almost a year), and I had to fix some kinda computer problem they were having. So I was proud of myself for accomplishing both.

And did I forget to mention that my sexy coworker wanted me to come to yet another bbq/gathering at his house, and to bring my work clothes? LOL He really, really likes me. And he told his moms that I was gonna be there. But I knew that I was not gonna be really up to going to his house after I got home. And I did not want to go straight to work from somebody else's house. Shit, my commute would've increased from 20 minutes to well over an hour. That shit was not happenin! LOL But just to save face, I called him when I was on my way home around 7:45 and told him that I had at least an hour ride home before I even began to make my way there. I was so glad when he told me that everybody was packin it in for the night anyway, and to forget comin thru. But a part of me did kinda wanna see him. Damn! I must be infatuated lol. (Today at work, he tells me how much I was missed the day before.)

So that was my fun-filled weekend. Hope you all enjoyed yours.

One Door Closes, Another One (Re)Opens

2008-08-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

It has been nearly a month since I have stopped speaking to one of my good friends. Although I sometimes miss talking to him, I do not regret my decision. I actually have been doing just fine since then, cause life does indeed go on. I've been living and enjoying my life without missing a beat. And why wouldn't I be? Life is too short, and it seems as though people are leaving this earth younger and younger. As Martin Lawrence said in Runteldat, ride this life until the wheels fall off!

While I was continuing on with life, an old friend re-appeared. I've known him for a total of about 6 years now. I met him on Blackplanet (remember that? Before Adam4Adam, Blkgaychat, and Men4Now came along? LOL), and he lives in south Jersey (Camden county). Over time, we became very good friends, and I would visit him at least once a month. Yes we messed around a few times (lol), but it was more than that. We clicked right away and shared some of the same interests. I got the chance to meet some of his family, friends, and the dudes that he dated. When you meet people off these damn web sites, you pretty much take a crap shoot on if they're gonna be a true friend, a fuck buddy, a psycho, or just a bonified asshole, and I was so blessed that this person demonstrated himself as a true friend.

But a few years ago (2004 I believe), he reached a revelation....he decided that he was going to give up the gay lifestyle, marry a woman, and live a heterosexual life. He had always claimed he was bisexual, but he started to incorporate religion into his life, and he felt that God was moving him in another direction, which means he was cutting off all of his friends and people who knew him in that lifestyle. As disappointed as I was about that decision, who am I to judge or argue with how God chooses to deal with someone? So I wished him the very best in his life.

Fast forward to last week. He hits me up out of the blue on AIM. He tells me that things didn't quite work out with his wife and that they are separated and living apart. (They were married for about two years.) But above that, he missed talking/hanging out with his good friends. I have long given up on holding grudges against people, so I gladly welcomed him back. Now we talk again a few times a week, and we pretty much slipped right back into our roles just like old times...talking, joking, laughing, etc. In the very near future, I'll be going down to south Jersey to see if his looks changed at all and just to get reacquainted with his presence once more. It honestly doesn't feel like it's been four years since we stopped speaking. It feels so good to reconnect with an old friend. It is with great pleasure that I say to him...Welcome back!

Cutting Ties

2008-07-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

The previous posting proved prophetic, because today, after many disagreements, I was left with no other choice but to cut off a person who I considered a good friend for about four years. I will not discuss the exact thing that lead to my decision, but he knows what he said and did. It sucks to realize that the person you think is gonna be a friend for a lifetime turns out to be one only for a season. But hey, it's another lesson learned. I'm better off without him anyway!

In my four years of knowing this person, I was there for him through his highs and lows: the arguments with his mother, the friends and ex-boyfriends who have come and gone, the life-altering news he received back in August, 2005, and many other things. Even though some of the things he went through I couldn't entirely relate to, I was a shoulder to lean on in times when it was necessary. And sometimes, just being there is enough. Along the way, there were a few instances where what he said got under my skin. He can be very kind-hearted when he wants to be, but he also can be cold and vicious when he feels like he is being attacked. I'm a pretty laid-back, subtle person. So it must be a pretty big issue to get me upset. Many times before, I thought about ending our friendship. But I kept being reminded (and reminding myself) that true friends last a lifetime, and you have to accept people for who they are.

But how much are you supposed to accept about a true friend when you are starting to portray anger on the inside, an emotion that is completely out of your character? What kind of friend do you really have where the person no longer values the friendship you have and quickly dismisses your thoughts, feelings, and opinions? What does it say about a person's true character where he speaks his mind to people with no problems, but yet gets very defensive and does not want to hear what you have to say about him when he does something wrong (or worse, feel that what you have to say is always wrong)? I pondered all of these questions to myself before I told said friend that I no longer wanted to be bothered with him anymore. It honestly was just too much work for me to be his friend. Friends are supposed to lift you up and bring out the very best in you, and everything I said to him lately turned into him beating me down. Shit, who needs that??? And frankly, anyone he interacts with is going to have to deal with that. He's intelligent and witty, but God help you if you ever disagree with him!

And after I reached that decision, I felt like a weight was being lifted from my shoulders. I felt my anger going away. I was and am content with it. I refuse to be bitter about this, because it's a wasted form of energy. Hell, I know the person is gonna be sleeping at night regardless. And I also know that all things work together for the good. It's making me into a better man. I wish the person inner peace and happiness. But I will no longer sacrifice my happiness just to call somebody a friend. I must move on now and keep growing as a person.

Reevaluating Friendships

2008-07-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

I sent this out through e-mail to my friends and coworkers. Everybody I sent it to loved it, so I thought I'd share this with all of you. Hope it resonates with you just as much as it resonated with me and all the others I sent it to...

There comes a time in all our lives when we may need to evaluate our relationships, making sure that they are having a positive effect on us, rather than dragging us down. Without realizing it, we may be spending precious time and energy engaging in friendships that let us down, rather than cultivating ones that support and nourish us along our path. Life, with its many twists, turns, and challenges, is difficult enough without us entertaining people in our inner circle who drain our energy. We can do so much more in this world when we are surrounded by people who understand what we're trying to do and who positively support our efforts to walk our path.

We can begin this evaluation process by simply noticing how we feel in the context of each one of our close relationships. We may begin to see that an old friend is still carrying negative attitudes or ideas that we ourselves need to let go of in order to move forward. Or we may find that we have a long-term relationship with someone who has a habit of letting us down, or not showing up for us when we need support. There are many ways to go about changing the status quo in situations like this, having a heart to heart with our friend showing through example. This process isn't so much about abandoning old friends as it is about shifting our relationships so that they support us on our journey rather than holding us back.

An important part of this process is looking at ourselves and noticing what kind of friend we are to the people in our lives. We might find that as we adjust our own approach to a relationship, challenging ourselves to be more supportive and positive, our friends make adjustments as well and the whole world benefits.

Who? Me?!

2008-06-19T17:07:00.000-07:00

I've already told yall about my cute coworker. But I've never mentioned anything about my SEXY coworker...

He's a 31-year-old dude who was born in Honduras (don't know when he came to the U.S.), about 5'9" or 5'10," slim, dark brown skinned, with a body to kill for! I've seen it with my own eyes....nice chest, abs, arms, back. He hits the gym at least 4 times a week, doing all types of pushups and pullups, lifts and dips in the most ingenious ways (I've seen the Youtube clips.) And, he's pretty good lookin in the face. Whew! I think I need a break to fan myself off! LOL Anyway, every day he comes down to where I'm sitting to mess with me, tell me what chick he's messed with/fucked (he's shown me pics), and just shoot the breeze. Even though he has his hoeing tendencies, he is amazingly focused. In 10 years, the man has earned about 5 or 6 certifications, worked his way up from a help desk tech to an Assistant VP (making at least 80K I'm sure), all while married with two kids (he's separated now). And now he's starting his own clothing line because he does not see himself working in Corporate America much longer. I admire his drive and determination to go out there and work hard to get what he wants to make himself happy. I'm still working on getting even half the drive within myself.

Now that I've given you the background on this dude, let's get into what transpired today...

Around 11am today, he strolls over to my desk. "Well if it isn't my man Greg," he says smiling as he reaches out his hand for me to shake. I'm always happy to see his sexy ass!
"Wassup," I replied shakin his hand back.

Some small talk was exchanged, then the question arose...

Sexy Coworker: "If I asked you to help me hit somethin, would you do it?"

*I rewinded in my mind for a few seconds what he just said. Oh shit! Is he for real?! Is he really askin me to join in on a fuckin threesome with him??? Up popped the angel and devil. The angel side said, no. You're a conservative dude; it's really not your thing. Stay away. And hellooooooo....you like dick! LOL

The devil side said, fuck it. You only live once. Live now! Who knows, you might like it so much you'll want it again. And oh yeah, it's a perfect opportunity to see your coworker's dick, the one that slides into those Magnums. It's a win/win situation.* What's a man to do?

Me: "I would first have to see what she looks like first," I said half-heartedly.
SC: "Let's say it was (name of another female coworker that he's already been fuckin)." Would you do it?
Me: *Shrugging my shoulders* "Aight, why not?" I replied nonchalantly.
SC: "Aight bet, and don't back out on me," he replied and walked away.

When he left, I just laughed to myself. Then my self-consciousness started to speak to me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the opportunities of physical expression in the bedroom like anyone else. But who am I kidding? What the hell does my gay ass know about a chick? I've never been with one sexually. What if I don't even get hard when the time comes? Only one coworker knows that I get down, and I only told him cause I've built up a rapport good enough to a point where I know I can trust him with what I tell him, and it won't circulate around the workplace. But this dude? I don't know. He's cool, but I don't know how he'll take it if he knows about me. The funny thing is, he's made jokes about me being gay. He will SERIOUSLY gag if I ever told him the real deal. And besides, who I sleep with is not for everybody at my job to know about, so I seriously doubt if I will ever tell him.

He didn't tell me when this supposed threesome will happen. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But I'm still left laughing and saying to myself, who? Me?!

Sex...The Highest Low?

2008-06-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

As how it is most times during the week, my coworker (the one I blogged about) comes over to my desk after his shift is over to chat and shoot the breeze with me. I always enjoy talking with him, and even after I told him that I got down, he never looked down on me in any kind of judgmental way; he's always treated me the same. I think the main reason why I'm so cool with my coworker is that he reminds me so much of myself when I was his age (24)...he's young but he certainly doesn't carry himself like the average 24 year old. He's sophisticated, kinda laid-back, not very promiscuous (I can count on one hand how many sex stories he's told me), and mostly about his business (when he's not payin somebody dust lol). I can honestly say we have a friendship. We normally just laugh talk about coworkers, who was givin shade for the day, how he had to pay his manager dust, etc. (For a dude that claims to be straight, he sure kee kee-s like a good ole homo, but that's neither here nor there lol.) Anyway, he proceeds to tell me about his trip to Miami and the Dominican Republic, for which he enjoyed himself. Then he just said something that really took me off guard. It seemed to have come out of nowhere, although I know it was something he decided a while ago.

"I'm taking six months off," he blurted out.
"Six months off what?" I asked.

He then makes the symbol of sexual intercourse on his hands...one hand balled up into an O shape, with the index finger of the other hand going in and out of the O.

"Ohhhhhhhhh!" I responded incredulously, "Are you serious?"
"Yup," he answered, "I feel so much stronger when I don't do it."
"That's funny. I don't feel stronger until I get it in," I joked. "Well you know the weather's gettin nice. I wish you the best on that."

Even though I was kinda caught off guard by his revelation, now that I think about it it doesn't surprise me as much, knowing all that I know about him at this point.

The next day I marinated on what he said...I feel so much stronger when I don't do it. I assumed he meant physically, but it can also mean mentally. I mean hell, sex does have a way of clouding people's minds from making good judgments. I do remember him telling me that he was with his ex-girlfriend for 4 years (from ages 16-20). Now he's just casually talking to one or two girls. Maybe he feels like if he doesn't have sex, he doesn't have to worry about all the other feelings or emotions and whatever else that comes with the territory of interacting with someone else. I have to pick his brain a little more about this. I can't really say I relate to what he's saying. Even though I have no desire of getting into a relationship, I still have the need to express myself physically with someone else. (Masturbation can only satisfy me for so long, as much I really enjoy it. It's the horny side of me talking lol.) I'm experiencing new-found physical expressions with this dude from Elizabeth (from a few blogs ago). Shit, if his horny ass had his way, we'd be fuckin every day. He was gonna come over this past Friday, but he got lost, then frustrated, then went back home. We've only had sex twice so far, and I honestly do feel better. It's the best stress reliever (not to mention calorie burner). I don't consider myself to be all that great in sex, but it does something to your ego when your partner is moaning and screaming in ecstasy from what you're giving them. You feel like a muthafuckin champ! LOL

But I know there has to be someone else that is going through (or can at least relate) to what my coworker is going through. So now I pose this question to all you bloggers out there...I always thought that sex was supposed to create a sense of well-being. But is/was there ever a time when the joy of sex took something out of you other than physically? Did you ever feel at a low point after you did the do? How? Why? My interest has been piqued now.

Life Changes

2008-05-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Morning, May 6, 2008: A man is getting himself ready for work. Everything seems customary. He saw his kids off to school, kisses his wife, probably got some breakfast, etc. But today something is a little different. Just when he is about to leave, he says to his wife how he doesn't feel too well. He lays down in bed, and never wakes up again...

That's basically how it happened for one of my coworkers (but I didn't work with him directly). At 42 years old, God removed him from this earth in an instant from a massive heart attack, leaving behind a grieving wife, two young sons, and a host of relatives, friends, and coworkers. Today was the daunting task of paying our last respects to the man. I sat in one of the 5 pews in the church where his coworkers sat. No, I didn't cry, because I didn't know him that well. But in my few encounters with him, I also saw him in a good mood. As some of my other coworkers who really knew him described him, he was a "gentle giant." Picture a black man that is about 6'4" or 6'5" and weighed about 260 lbs, yet always smiled and was well loved and respected to all that came in contact with him. In my year or so of working at my current job, I have NEVER heard anyone say ANYTHING bad about the man (cause people can spread some serious gossip about somebody at work!). He also was a very well-known party promoter in Jersey City (where he lived all his life). That says something about someone's character in that noone found any faults with him, no matter what field of work he was involved in.

As I listened to the funeral service and observed my coworker in the coffin, many thoughts went through my head. I started seeing family members and friends in the coffin, and yes, even pictured myself lying in there. (Hell, it could've been any of us in there.) It made me wonder about the things in my life that I needed to change/clean up before that fateful day that God decides that it's my time to depart this life as well, because life is VERY short! With all this being said, I made a pact with myself to follow through with the following things:

1. I will not worry myself over anything I have no control over. My job is tops. While I am enjoying the benefits of having a permanent job again after a 2 year layoff, I also know that I could be back in the same position I was before: back to a temp job or, worse, back to the unemployment office. That's just the way the job market is now; you can have a job today, the next day you're laid off. It's out of your control. Whatever will be will be. Why be stressed and discouraged over it? Everything happens for a reason.

2. I will strengthen myself physically, mentally, socially, and professionally. When I was younger, I could care less about exercising or eating right. Shit, I'm a slim dude; I need all the weight I can get! Now that I'm a little older, I realize that I can't just put whatever the fuck I want into my body and not expect it to catch up to me later on. Now I am making a conscious effort to eat better and incorporate some sort of exercise regimen (right now it's mainly push ups and sit ups). I will also strengthen myself by reading more books, watching shows dealing with politics and debates (which I'm still very much a novice at), participating more in discussions (instead of being the usual mute), and work on getting some type of certification for the work that I do (it makes me more marketable when the time comes that I have to change jobs).

3. I will still treat everybody the way I want to be treated, but I will not be concerned now if they are mad at me, not speaking to me, etc. That may sound a little selfish, but if I'm striving to be the best person I can be, I cannot be bogged down with who's mad at me or who's not speaking to me. It's petty bullshit. For most of my life I think I've been too concerned with what others thought of me. No more! I will still do the honorable thing and apologize if I said/did something wrong. But if they're mad after that point, they will get over it. And if they don't, that's their problem. I will still lay my head down at night and get my full 8 hours of sleep. No shade. My life must go on.

4. I will speak up and say what's on my mind more often. This is a hard one for me because I've always had difficulty getting my point across. I also have a problem holding things inside of me for months, even years, which lead to problems later on. But as I watched my coworker's wife and 2 sons place a flower on his casket, my mind immediately went back to September, 1987, when I (as a 9-year-old) did the same thing to my father's casket, and how tears ran down my face as I realized that, not only was I never going to see him again, but there was so much that I didn't get a chance to say to him. Sometimes I think about that and it tears me up that there wasn't closure, but now I realize that I must not let that happen again.

5. I will (re)disccover what my God-given talent is and use it to the best of my ability. When I was a kid, my mother put me in tap dancing class, and I continued the hobby for 8 years. Everybody was calling me the next Gregory Hines (it also helped that we have the same first name). But I stopped after the passing of my mother. At the time, it was too much for me to go on doing it without her. Every now and then I wonder what would've happened had I continued to tap dance. It could've lead to so many doors being opened that I couldn't possibly imagine. Now I ask myself what my talent is. Is it writing? Computers? I know it's there somewhere. I just have to tap into it and, most importantly, not waste a lot of time trying to find it. I've gotta do it, and do it now!

I'm sure there are other points I want to make, but my mind is kinda racing right now and my fingers can't keep up. But I managed to get out the bulk of what I was feeling. It's just too bad that it took something like a funeral for me to come to terms with what I really need to do to better my life. But like I said in the first point, don't all things happen for a reason?

Born-Again Virgin No More

2008-04-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT. DEAL WITH IT LOL...

Anybody that knows me knows how I felt about being a bottom. Nope, not me. I will never, ever, never do that shit again. That stemmed from my frustration and disappointment with the few chosen dudes (four to be exact) lucky enough to get up in my ass. Especially the last dude, who swore up and down on his mama and daddy about how good his top status was, how I was gonna love it, blah blah blah. (Some short dude from Philly. He must've had a Napolean Complex or something.) Anyway, after the lackluster performance that he called fuckin me, I swore off letting anybody else get the chance. And believe it or not, I kept my word for six whole years to the month...April 2002. Many dudes have come after him asking me, hell, practically begging me to give em some. Some gave me the line that they will take their time, and even tried just sticking the head in. But just like nagging mosquitos in the summer, I brushed em all away.

Fuck them! They are not my boyfriends. They'll just get it from somebody else. They will be just fine, I told myself. And I was perfectly content with that answer.

By the time I started to talk to this dude about a year or so ago from Elizabeth that I met from Men4Now, I was happy with the (very high) wall I built up about bottoming. Like I always do, as soon as he hit me up, I immediately went to the "sexual role" part of his profile. Versatile. Great, I said to myself, he's gonna eventually want some ass if we meet. But little does he know that opening is closed indefinitely! Many months passed throughout our phone conversations (and phone boning) about hookin up. I was not pressed on meeting him. I've gone years without meeting people face-to-face that I consider good friends. He definitely did not fit that criteria, so I wasn't beat at all. A phone call or IM every now and then would suit me just fine. And besides, I was still living at home with my aunt and uncle, and he had his brother staying with him, so we really had no place to meet up anyway. (He mentioned a hotel, but I don't do hotels just for sex. Shot that down real quick.) Oh well...life goes on.

But when I moved into my own place earlier this month, a funny thing happened. I actually started thinking about allowing myself to become a bottom once again. But with whom, I said to myself. Shit, I don't wanna just give that up to just any dude. To me, givin up the ass symbolizes giving up a very big part of you that everybody should not be entitled to. I knew I wanted to do it with somebody I was cool (or semi-cool) with, so the Elizabeth dude was near the top of the list. So began my full-fledged propositioning. About a week later, he told me he would come through this past Tuesday. Oh boy, the time has come once again. Gotta finally walk the walk instead of talking the talk. When I got home Tuesday, I saw that he was online, so I hit him up asking if he was still coming. He said he forgot that he had to go to his cousin's house for some kinda party. See, I knew it, he's bullshittin. But hey, I ain't sweatin it. My hole will just continue to stay closed to dicks a little while longer. He then mentions that he's "definitely not doing anything tomorrow." So we rescheduled for the next day.

He calls me the next day while I'm still at work, so I told him I would call him when I get home. When I got home, I was still only halfway believing that he was actually gonna come thru. And I definitely was half-skeptical about letting him in back there. But my optimism won out, so I jumped in the shower and proceeded to get myself together. I text him and hit him up online, and I got no response to neither. Just like I thought, he's not coming. He's full of shit. I went into the kitchen to fix myself dinner and didn't worry about him. Lo and behold, the muthafucka calls me around 8:30 and told me he was coming. Hot damn, he's actually gonna keep his word. "Is 9:30 cool?" he asked.
"Yeah that's fine," I said.
I can't say I was excited or waiting in anticipation. Lord knows I've met up with many dudes, and he really was no different. I was over the excitement of meeting a dude. He calls me around 9:45 and told me he was down the street, so I went outside to meet him and direct him to a parking spot. I got inside his car and was relieved that he was not a monster. (He showed me a nice pic a good while ago, but by then, I practically forgot what he looked like.) I escorted him into my apartment and directed him into my bedroom. Oh yeah, did I mention he had a bottle of Henny with him? LOL We both sipped on the Henny while watching a porno. He seemed to be more interested in the liquor and porno than me, so I scooted my ass over closer and closer to him, which lead to me kissing on his neck. Then we got to it...

More kissin and lickin, me givin him head, him givin me head. I was just happy that I was gettin any kind of action again after four months. Then he asked me, "You wanna fuck me?"
"Yeah, if that's what you want," I answered. (I'm very laid-back in all aspects of my life.") So out comes the condom and lube, and up pop his legs on my shoulders. He told me he last bottomed back in November, and he seemed to be takin it like a damn pro. First on his back, then doggy, then on his stomach. From the way he was moaning and responding, I take it that he enjoyed what I was giving. And believe me, I enjoyed giving it. I silently patted myself on the back for a good job. After that part was over, I straddled myself across his stomach. As I straddled him, he did what oh so many dudes in the past have done...he tried sticking the head in. I quickly pushed away.
"I just wanted to play with it," he says.
"I don't play like that, especially with no condom," I said back.
"Aight, so get the condom."

*Insert Jeopardy music here*

Hmm...should I let him have some or should I just tell him no. Decisions, decisions. After a few seconds, I got myself off the bed and went to my drawer to get another condom, silently talking to myself the whole time.

Maybe it won't hurt as much as the last time I remember.
He's only about 7.5 inches; I think I can deal with that.
He did let me fuck him; it's only right that I reciprocate.

So I climbed on top of him and tried to guide the car into my tunnel. No luck.
"Let me try another position," he said.
Oh boy, here we go.
So I laid myself on my bed, on my stomach, with my legs off the bed. First I felt fingers, then I eventually felt the thing that reminded me six years ago why I absolutely hated being a bottom. I felt the dick reach the part inside me that truly opened me up and made my cherry go, pop! OMG! I don't know if I can get used to this again! He slowly stroked himself in and out of me. It still hurt me but it actually was pretty good nonetheless. He continued for a good while longer until I decided that enough was enough; the probing was over lol. We bust our collective nuts and the show was officially over.

And with that, my Great Wall of China (Great Wall of Greg?) came tumbling down. I accomplished givin up the booty to somebody that I was on pretty good terms with. And I'm sure it's not gonna be some one time thing. I'll meet up with him again and get reacquainted with this whole versatile thing. I know one thing...we better have a bigger bottle of liquor cause that bitch brought over a little half pint of Henny. I was so over him for that shit! LOL I wanna be nice and inebriated next time so I can really be relaxed. Til next time, my hole will return to normal lol. (I know my crew is gagging right now, but smiling. Right?)

Independence!

2008-04-15T18:09:00.000-07:00

After years of saying how much I was going to/wanted to move out to a spot of my own, on Saturday, April 5th it finally came to fruition. I moved from Somerset to Bayonne. (I'm still kickin myself for doing this at the age of 30, but oh well. Everything happens for a reason.) I chose Bayonne cause it's a pretty nice neighborhood, yet close enough to my job in Jersey City that I can walk to the light rail station. Plus, I save time and money from taking the regular NJ Transit train (one of the worst train systems ever!). Now my commute has been reduced from 50 minutes to 25 minutes. Alriiiiiiiight! And for all those that already live on their own, they know what I'm talkin about when I say how free and independent it feels to come home to a place that's allllllll yours, just the way YOU left it, without hearin nobody's fuckin mouth! You can come and go as you please, have whoever come through, and walk around au natural whenever. (If my walls could talk about that, they would tell you all about that one lol.) But seriously, I felt like by staying at home, I was stifling myself as a man from reaching my full potential, and now I feel like my potential is pretty much limitless now. For so long, I worried about whether I had the economic means or even the determination to live alone. The economic means happened this year (thank God for bonuses!), which in turn triggered my determination. I'm sure my aunt and uncle miss having me there taking care of little things around the house, and I'm sure they miss my portion of the mortgage money too! God has finally blessed with this opportunity, and I jumped at the chance. I'll most likely have a housewarming party, since everybody keeps asking me. Now I just to work on having my special company come over lol. And to all my friends...NO PARTIES at my house. We'll save those for Shawn's spot, cause his spot is the designated location for our kinda parties lol.

I got a steady job, a car, and now my own apartment. My shit is set now! Go head me!

My Prayer

2008-03-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

This is dedicated to one of the best friends I've ever had (love you man!), and to all those going through. Be encouraged!

God, I pray that you come into their lives right now and touch, heal, and comfort their broken hearts and spirits. I ask that You manifest Yourself in their lives by renewing their strength, faith, trust, and joy in You. Don't let them be tricked by the Devil into thinking they are the only ones going through life's problems and they are all alone, for we know that we as humans all go through the same things eventually. Please Lord I ask that You allow them to not be afraid to reach out to You and others for help, because noone can make it through this life entirely on their own. Let them not forget that You have placed us into their lives for a reason, and we are there for them in their time of need. It hurts us to see people we care about go through an emotional transformation when tribulations come, but remind them that You will never give them more than they can bear, and no weapon formed against them shall prosper. All things work together for the good for those that love You. Continue to guide them in Your marvelous light and presence so that they will instantly know that, when storms and trials come, they'll see that storms don't last forever. Order their steps and give them inner peace so that they can rest in the comfort of Your arms. All these things I ask in the mighty name of Jesus...Amen.

My Milestone (Part 2)

2008-03-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

Last night marked the conclusion to my 30th birthday celebration. Part 2's celebration was more sophisticated than Part 1's, taking place at Elmo Restaurant in the Chelsea section of NYC. I rented out the room downstairs, ordered a party tray, and hired a DJ. This was my first year planning any type of party at all, let alone my own party. So it was all a new experience for me, and I was a little anxious and nervous cause I wanted my guests to be comfortable and everything to turn out right.

I planned on arriving at the venue around 8PM (the time I said the party would start). I didn't wanna be one of those hosts that showed up after their guests did. But I ended up getting there about 8:40 (still haven't gotten used to driving to some parts of Manhattan yet lol). But it really didn't matter, cause when I got there, nobody was there anyway. *Sigh* Black people always have be so damn fashionably late lol. About 20 minutes later, my first guest arrives...X. I asked him at the last minute to buy a nice strawberry shortcake, and dude came through. Not only did he have the cake, but he had the candles with the number 30. (Thanks X! Much appreciated!) My second guest Jason arrived about a half hour later. Most of the people didn't get there til 10, and I did my duties as a host and mingled with all of them. I was relieved as I saw everybody talking, laughing, eating, drinking, dancing and just plain having a good time. People really seemed to have liked the restaurant. It did give off a nice aura, so I was proud of myself for picking it. Did I have some drinks? Hell yeah! It's my party! LOL But I promised myself that I would not have a rerun of last week's encounter, so I stuck with Malibu and orange the whole night. (No prayin to the porcelain god this time lol.) I was proud of myself for keeping my own word. Around midnight, the cake was served and the party was starting to wind down. A little more dancing and conversing ensued, and the party was officially over at 1AM. (I later learned that some of my guests snuck upstairs to get pics with the Danity Kane chicks and a pic of Will from Day 26. How dare yall lol.)

After that, my boys Dee and Jason and myself went on over to the Secret Lounge, where we unexpectedly struck up a decent conversation with 2 older white dudes as we waited on line in the cold to get inside. They seemed real cool, but one of em was a little too damn touchy feely and a bit too inquisitive. Leave it to my boy Dee to read him quite well, so I just let them carry on. When we finally got inside, it was crowded as I expected. We made our way to the bar and pretty much stayed there the whole time. (Another Malibu and orange ordered for me, paid for by Dee.) Jason met up with 2 people he knew, while Dee and I just shot the breeze. Eventually, touchy feely white dude spotted us again, so he came over to us. (Yet one more Malibu and orange ordered, paid for by Touchy Feely.) At this point, I was getting pretty tired, so I stepped away from the bar and leaned against the wall while Dee and Touchy Feely conversed. We finally ended up leaving at 4, when it closed.

And this concludes my 30th birthday extravaganza. I just want to thank everybody for helping me celebrate (everybody knows who they are; no need to name all the names). Your presence made it the best birthday I've ever had. Thanks for the love and support!

Shawn and Dee, you're up next. Let's see what yall come up with lol.

My Milestone (Part One)

2008-03-16T18:05:00.001-07:00

Well folks, on March 15, I celebrated a milestone (by society's standards I guess). I reached the big 3-0. Of course I got the whole 'you're old' comments, but I don't mind that at all. I consider myself an old soul anyway, so I'm embracing it and can't wait to see what God has in store for me as I enter my third decade of life.

It was kind of a last-minute decision for me, but I decided to have a smaller gathering yesterday at my friend Shawn's house. (My REAL party will be at a restaurant in NYC this upcoming Saturday.) It was just like any other typical party...food, drinks, friends, (some) cute boys, and just all-around fun, fun, fun. I really just wanted my closest friends and the friends I've known the longest to be there, and I was happy with the turnout. (Of course there were newer faces there but I didn't mind.)

The party started at 8, but you know black folk don't ever get to parties on time lol. So most of em filed in after 9. Some of my friends presented me with my own personal bottle of liquor (in addition to the bottle of Alize I bought for myself). Hmmm.....I guess I'm officially a lush now lol. My friend Chef Fuzzy cooked a scrumptious meal (made to order) of fried chicken, baked ziti, macaroni & cheese, string beans. Of course I fucked that food up, and so did everybody else that ate. And my other friend, Mama Omar, baked a yellow cake with chocolate frosting (made to order again). Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, whether they were eating, drinking (which yours truly definitely did, more on that later lol), conversing, watching movies, or playing cards. By the time it came for me to cut my cake, the alcohol was seepin up on me. My friends wanted me to do a little speech, but I was never good at that stuff. I basically thanked everybody for comin out and supporting me. I was truly grateful and appreciative. I never dreamed I would have so many friends, cause I was so shy and introverted growing up. I felt truly blessed to have good people around me. After I had a few more drinks, ya boy was RIPPED! I sat my ass down on a chair and didn't get up til.....I ran to the bathroom to throw up. LMAO. I was told later that I had at least 6 drinks, but I only counted 4. Oh well, it's my party and I can throw up if I want to LOL. I was drifting in and out of sleep for much of the early morning, so I didn't get to see most of my guests leave. I was so drunk I couldn't even drive my boi Jay home (sorry Jay lol). I woke up for the last time around 7AM this morning. I didn't have a headache, but I damn sure felt nautious. Had to take some Pepto Bismol to calm my stomach down. Musta been the remnants of the liquor still swimmin around lol.

Oh yeah, and to further prove my theory of one degree of separation in this lifestyle, this dude that I used to mess with showed up too. I didn't have his new number, and I didn't think he knew anybody I knew but, alas, he did. I was kinda surprised to see him, but I quickly got over it. He showed up with his boyfriend (that he left his girlfriend for lol).

So that was my first birthday celebration. The upcoming one this Saturday will be more sophisticated (and most likely have more people). You know what that means....that I will not be passed out nowhere in a drunken stupor lol. I'll keep yall posted...

My First 'Random Thoughts' Post

2008-02-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

For the first time since I've had this blog (which has been about six months now), I decided to post random thoughts. I don't know why, but I don't particularly like to write just random thoughts on my blog. Whenever I post, I usually think about it for a day or two to gather my thoughts, then start typing it up. If it's a really in-depth post, like discussing my parents, I type up a draft, leave it alone, then come back to it to make sure all the details I want are all in there. But hell, I haven't posted in about a month, so this is a good way to update my shit lol. Here goes....

* I haven't told a lot of people from my church (cause the people are nosy as hell), but I told this one chick that goes to my church that I'm mad cool with that I was gonna be moving out of my aunt and uncle's house. She tried to convince me otherwise by telling me how hard it is, and if I have credit card debt, then I shouldn't move at this time. (Maybe because she's goin through hard times living by herself.) Shit, I'll be 30 years old soon. How much longer do I wait? And besides, I know it's gonna be hard cause life period is hard. My credit card debt is not going away any time soon. I will always owe somebody some money, so I'm definitely payin that no mind at all. Her situation has nothin to do with me. But I believe it's different for a man to be living at home at a certain age than a woman. I know another girl from my church that's 32 and still living at home. And she's cool with it. Not me. The way I see it, the longer I stay home, the more less of a man I feel. I feel like I'm stifling my growth by staying here and I need to spread my fuckin wings. The time is overdue!

* Yesterday I told my uncle that I will be moving very soon. He just nodded his head in agreement. Of course the real reaction from him will be when I finally do move out, and only he and his wife will be responsible for all the house bills. But that's not my problem nor my responsibility. I didn't make the decision to move and get a 4 BR house. I gots to go!

* Today, while on my commute, I was bombarded with screaming Giants fans on both the NJ Transit train and the PATH train, all on their way to the parade. The PATH train was a lot worse cause the black folk were on there screaming, and I'm pretty sure a few were drunk as hell. By the way one dude was holding the plastic bag, I can tell by the shape of the bottle that it was either Hennessey or E&J, and he was poring it into a cup. Damn! They're gettin drunk already, I was thinkin to myself. Mind you, it was only about 10:30 in the morning. But I bet very few of em got their asses up to vote! I can tell by one of them screaming out, "Eli Manning for President!" Sad. It's obvious where the priorities are for some of our people.

* I still don't know what the hell I wanna do for my 30th. Half of me wants a full-fledged party (cause 30 is such a milestone), but half of me just wants a simple dinner. I half-jokingly (but kinda seriously) asked my friend from Jersey City if he can help me plan it. I think he's trying to help me lol, but I'll see. He said if his apartment were bigger I could have it there. Oh well. I have 39 more days and counting til the big day.

That's all the random thoughts I have for now.

It's Alright

2008-01-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been hearing a song on the radio by a new R&B artist called Ledisi (pronounced LED-a-see). (Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ledisi to find out more about her.) When I listened to the song she has out now called "Alright," the words really spoke to me. They are thought-provoking, real, and so very true! Sometimes in life, when things are not going the way we want them to, we just need to just remind ourselves that it's gonna be alright. I hope yall enjoy it as much as I did. (And I also posted the lyrics at the bottom.)

This life can make me so confused but it's alright
Living day by day I feel so used that ain't right
I just wanna run and hide
I don't have the time to cry it's alright (it's alright)

Alright

Many thoughts are running through my head, it's alright
Wishing to be somewhere else but here, it's alright
I can't wait to see your face
I need a smile and your embrace, and I'm alright

Alright

Chorus:
Life can bring us through many changes, it's alright
Just don't give up
Know that it's gonna be alright
People come and they go
That's just the way that it goes
Everything is everything
It's alright

Sometimes the rain it makes me sad and it's alright
Some things in the world make me mad and it's alright
In the morning when I see the sun I know I'm not the only one
It's alright

Alright

Wish I had some money to pay my bills
I can't even buy that dress on sale but it's alright
Having money don't mean a thing
Loving you is everything
I'm alright

Chorus:
Life can bring us through many changes, it's alright
Just don't give up
Know that it's gonna be alright
People come and they go
That's just the way that it goes
Everything is everything
It's alright

At the Close of Another Year

2007-12-30T18:27:00.000-08:00

As the year 2007 comes to a close, I sit and reflect on my goals and setbacks and achievements and failures over the past 12 months. Of course, some things I am more proud of than others. But as the Bible says (somewhere lol), all things work together for the good. Therefore, I embrace them all and take them as lessons learned to help me grow into a stronger, better, and more confident person. And hopefully, I will learn to not make the same mistakes over and over again. So here are some of the highlights for me for this year:

1. I landed a permanent job after a two-year cycle of unemployment and temp work. When I would hear about people being laid off, I would say to myself, I hope that does not happen to me. But in April, 2005, that became me. And damn what a wake up call that was! There is nothing more frustrating than to not have your skills and expertise being utilized in the workplace or worse, not being paid enough for your skills and expertise. After temping at Merrill Lynch for low wages for about 10 months, I was informed that my department was being relocated to Jacksonville, FL. Because I was a temp (and not an official employee of the company), I did not qualify. I was guaranteed to lose my job. But thank God a former coworker of mine put in a good word for me at this banking company that he had moved to. One of his coworkers was just fired at the time, and they were looking for a good replacement. After 3 (yes 3) interviews, I was offered the position in March making my best salary since graduating from college. To all you out there looking for a new job, don't give up and utilize your networking skills to the fullest. Yes it's gonna be hard, and there are times you will be frustrated, discouraged or even depressed. But keep pressing on and tell everyone you're looking for a job. You never know who's gonna remember your name when the right time and opportunity comes. In due time it will happen, believe me!

2. I still have not moved out on my own. I told myself that 2007 was the year that I would strike out on my own. Sadly, that was not to be. Because I had fallen behind on my bills because of the unemployment and temp work, most of my money went to catching up with that. Even though I'm living somewhat comfortably financially, the money I had left over was not enough to save up for an apartment. It sucks, but I am determined to really do it next year. That will be my top priority for 2008! Hopefully my bonus, raise and IRS checks together will make for a nice down payment on an apartment. The next step obviously would be to find a suitable location. I would like to move a little bit further north so that my commute to and from work would be shortened. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

3. I worked out the medical bill issue my aunt left for me....somewhat. Refer to my posted titled, "It's Nice to Have Family...Right?!" for the full details. I was successfully making payments for about 5 months to the law firm that had sued me. Problem is, I missed the first payment (no money, what else) and now they have sent me another letter asking for a default judgment against me. I'll have to figure out how to resolve this issue on my own this time. My aunt wrote the letters to the firm last time, but I don't want her involved in it this time at all. Shit, I can write the letters myself (even though I'll have to find out how to use all that legal jargon).

4. I have learned to further appreciate my friends more and more. Don't get me wrong, I have always shown (or tried to show) how loyal and loving I am to my friends, and I appreciate them. Cause I truly believe that good friends do not come a dime a dozen. That's why I treasure the ones that I have. But two major occurrences this year made me realize that I have wonderful friends: when two of them decided to take on the responsibility of caring for a 17 year old that otherwise would've lost his way, and the other was when one of my good friends was hospitalized for a heart condition. Each of these instances strengthened our friendship bond (that goes for our entire circle of friends) because it showed how great we can be when we stand together united in our friendship and helping each other get through rough times. The actions that my friends have displayed has taught me that I can be the best man I can be, because I'm surrounded by plenty of them. (After all, a person is very much influenced by his surroundings.) And even though they sometimes annoy the shit outta me and say/do things I don't understand, I really love and proud of my friends (yall know who you are).

5. I made it through another year of being a born-again virgin. What? You thought all of my highlights were gonna be serious? Please! LOL. Yes folks, it may be hard to believe, but this year marks over my 5th year of not being a bottom. (I haven't been a top in a while either, for that matter.) And screw all of you who think that needs to change. It's my body dammit lol.

6. I am still single and enjoying it. As I have stated before (especially to my friends), I really do enjoy being single and don't worry about finding a man. People frequently ask me if/when I am in a relationship, to which I nonchalantly reply, "No." Oh well, such is life, I say to myself. If I want to remain single, that's on me. No shade.

So there you have it, Jersey Brotha's 2007 highlights. I leave you, my fellow Bloggers, with a Happy New Year, and may 2008 be the year that you are abundantly blessed in all areas of your life! I'm looking forward to that myself.

A Family Member at Work! (Conclusion)

2007-11-26T17:06:00.001-08:00

This is the conclusion to my previous blog with the same title....

Well folks, my curiosity finally got the best of me about my work "family member." Today, as I celebrated my 2nd day of vacation, I casually exchanged e-mails with him (hell, I was bored and wanted to talk to him). Thankfully, he was willing to return the e-mails. So then he asks me to help him set up his 401K account, which warranted a phone call. As I was helping him set up his account, I heard him laugh. I asked, "What are you laughing at?" His reply: "At my manager." So I said, "Oh, so are you and your manager having a kee kee moment?" His reply: "Down!" (emphasis on the word of course) After this (and many other) discussions, my intuitions were damn near eating me alive, and I had to know for myself what was up with this dude. I slowly started to drop hints at him. This was our e-mail exchange:

Me: I have a question to ask you, but I don't know how you're gonna react. It's kinda personal.
Him: Then don't ask lol.
Me: LOL then it's gonna eat away at me. I wanna ask you cause I think you cool as hell, but I also don't want you to think less of me (or vice versa). *Sigh* What's a brotha to do?
Him: Lol nah I hear u, but we r just getting to be cool n I would not wanna mess that up. So just leave it alone lol.
Me: Do I have to leave it alone? LOL But for real, I know we're still gonna be cool. But dammit, my inquisitive side is getting the best of me. I gotta get this weight off my shoulder lol. I don't wanna ask you at work though.
Him: Go just ask.

OK....here goes...I took a deep breath and slowly typed what I had wanted to ask him for months now....

Me: Do you get down?

I hesitated for a few seconds and finally built up the strength to push the "Send" button. As I awaited his response, all kinds of thoughts came to my head:

What if he does? Has he been watching me too? Am I finally gonna have some real fun at work? (LOL) Was my sexual preference now gonna come up at work in the presence of other coworkers?
What would I say/do if he says no? How would he take it? Is he gonna be offended I even asked him that?
Why did I even ask him in the first place? Why did I let my curiosity take over me like that?

I'm sure many more thoughts came to my head, but I didn't have time to think of more, cause the reply finally came back. Ohhhhhhhhhh boy! The moment of truth!

Him: How did I know that's what u wanted to ask? Well sir, no I don't. But a good friend of mine does. N that's where I get some of the "how u doin" stuff from. Cuz I think its funny. N when u hang out with someone u usually pick up their outragous behavior, as in my case. But u do?? I am asking. Wouldn't make a difference to me.

Shit, he was being honest with me. The cat's almost all outta the bag, so I figured that this was the perfect time for me to tell him...

Me: Yup, I do. Damn...you're the first person that knows (outside of my friends that also get down). My own family doesn't even know, cause you know how we as black people can be!
Him: Nah. I kinda knew u did. That's y I kee-d with u about shit. I wanted ask. But I was like nah just leave it. But hell yeah we still cool. I respect u for who u r, and u have shown me who u are. So it doesn't matter what u do privately. But u kept saying "my boys my boys" about your people n I was like he definitely gets down lol.

O my! Let me find out he had his gaydar on the whole time lol. Apparently, I've been outting myself slowly around him. Oh well. But damn am I glad he took the news the way he did! I feel like a weight is lifted from my shoulders. I have NEVER told a coworker that I get down. Hell, my family doesn't even know! Now I feel like I can talk to him about anything, and I won't feel ashamed or judged (as black folk can do). Even though he doesn't proclaim to be a true family member, I can confide in him and make him an honorary member. Yaaaaaaaaay I didn't lose my kee kee partner! But shit! Now all my fantasies about him will remain just that...fantasies. Oh well....can't win em all lol.

Yes, I Want This Love

2007-11-21T22:41:00.000-08:00

Those that really know me know my feelings about men and relationships. I am reminded of a song by Elton John called "I Want Love." I think it pretty much describes my views, for better or worse. I finally got around to finding the video on YouTube and decided to post it. I don't expect a whole lot of people to relate to it. But just listen to the words more than watching the video. This is my kinda love. If you don't like it, too damn bad LOL.

It's Nice to Have Family....Right???

2007-11-11T14:18:00.000-08:00

The following posting was originally on my Livejournal page back in March. Since I'm a full-fledged Blogger now, I decided to put it on here. I made a few changes, but the bulk of it is still the same. Read on my fellow Bloggers...

I've been living with my aunt since 1993 after my mother's death. It was just the two of us until 1996, when she decided to (finally) get married. Back in 1999 or 2000 (when I was still in college), she came to me and asked if I would put my name down on a finance plan for some dental work that she needed done. Her credit was too bad (and so was her husband's) so, as a good and caring family member, I agreed to do it. Back then, my credit was excellent, so I saw no problem. And she told me that she was gonna keep up with paying the bill so that it wouldn't reflect negatively on my credit report. Hell, she was the one who instilled in me the importance of having good credit, so no worries.

Things were going well at first. The bill came every month, and I would pass it along to her so that it could be paid. For the first year or two I just assumed everything was fine. A few years ago, I noticed something weird that showed up on my credit report, then gradually the bills and phone calls from the collection agency came. I had my first discussion with her about it, and she again promised me that she "would take care of it." Me being naive (or just plain fuckin stupid!) took her at her word and didn't mention much about it again.

Earlier this year, the dreaded letter appeared in the mail....it was a letter from the Somerset County Courthouse, and I now was being sued for the full amount (about $2,700!) I found out that she did not make ONE SINGLE PAYMENT since 2001!! As if I don't have my own damn bills to about, now I gotta worry about this one. I walked my pissed-off ass into her bedroom and showed her the court letter. When I asked her why the hell she didn't take care of it before, she simply replies, "I forgot." You forgot???? You ain't forget to ask me to put my name down for this fuckin bill!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I don't think I ever felt more used and taken advantage of in my whole life. And to add insult to injury, she calls herself being Christian and gave herself the title of "Evangelist." Hmph! All she did was apologize to me, but I was in no mood to hear any apologies. That shit was for the birds a long time ago! All I wanted to see was money being exchanged. This is definitely going to affect my apartment search (since landlords look at credit reports), which is further adding to my frustration. I'm worried I might get stuck living at home even longer, at a time when I'm really tryin to change that. * Big sigh*

UPDATE: I ended up going to court this summer on my own (cause my fuckin aunt told me that she "wouldn't be able to make it") and speaking with the law firm that was suing me. (The law firm paid the bill to the collection agency, and now they were looking to recover that money from me.) With the help of a mediator, I agreed that I would pay them 80% of the total payment (roughly $2,200), which will be broken down into monthly installments of $300. After the bill has been paid in full, a letter will be sent from them to all 3 credit bureaus informing them that this bill has been satisfied. (This is the only thing on my credit report that is seriously delinquent.) What a hard lesson this was for me. I should've gotten something in writing from my aunt agreeing that she was going to pay the bill, cause I didn't have a leg to stand on by the time I got to court. They are not gonna wanna hear shit about how I thought my aunt was taking care of it. My name and social security number is on the bill, so that makes me (and me alone) responsible. Case closed. (Oh, did I mention that she has worked for various law firms for 30 years???). I love my aunt but I am disgusted by what she did. I have made it my top priority to get this bill paid by mid-2008 and not let anything like this happen to me ever again. Nice to have family, right? Right?!

A Family Member At Work!

2007-10-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

I really love my job. It's smaller and privately-owned (which means I get recognized more easily for the work I do), the people are friendly and relatively down-to-earth, and because the company is constantly growing, there is lots of room for growth and opportunity.

Speaking of opportunity, I noticed this little cutie at my job about a week or so after I started working there (which was about 7 months ago). The old wishful thinking started to play in my mind. "Hmmm....I wonder if he gets down or not. He's a little cutie." Of course, nobody at my job knows that I do, but damn, wouldn't it be nice to REALLY confide in somebody at work like that?! He's 22 or 23, just graduated from college, and this place is his first job out of college. Been there over a year now. He's Guyanese (but I believe he's been in the US all his life) and currently lives in the Bronx. He sits on the other side of the floor as me, so we started communicating through e-mail. He's a cool dude, but sometimes he's hard to figure out. Sometimes he can come off as abrasive, but I can deal with that. Hell, that makes me wanna find out about him even more lol. But he also can be a little hard to figure out. But I'm a patient man, so I just learned to sit and wait for any signs.

The first sign came about a month ago. I came over to him to tell him that the CIO witnessed a coworker and I doing our little exercise regimen (push-ups) in some little room where our help desk is. He said when he found out, he "gagged." Red flag #1! Just to make sure I heard right, I said, "You did what??? You gagged?" He said again, "Yup, I gagged." Alriiiiiiight! A door seems to have opened. Let me sit back and wait for the door to slightly open again!

The second sign came earlier this month. When I asked him to buy something from a catalog for a kid's fundraiser, he took one of the catalogs and started to peruse through it. He saw some knife set and said, "I don't need that cause I already have a knife, and it cuts down (emphasis on that last word)." Hmmm....red flag #2! *Sound of the door slowly creaking open a little more*

But folks, today's e-mail exchange took the cake and solidified my belief that is dude is indeed a family member. I was telling him my little story about what happened on Friday....how one of the cleaning ladies threw away the food that was in the fridge (as she was told to do every Friday), and how she disgustingly dug all through the garbage with no problem to try to retrieve it for me (which she successfully did, but I damn sure didn't want it then. Yuk!) Anyway, after I told him what happened, this is what he wrote...."Oh no! I would have raised hell for that. The cards would have been read that day. Shade of all shade would have come out lol." Ladies and gentlemen, we have red flag # 3! *Ding ding ding!* When I read that, I could hardly believe my eyes. No straight man on their drunkest fuckin day would write anything like that. The thought of having family in the workplace sent me into overdrive lol. Now I'm left with a small dilemma.....I wanna ask him soooooo bad if he gets down. But how? And shit, what if my assumptions are wrong and he really doesn't get down? Then I'll be looking very stupid. I need to figure out something cause my interest has been tremendously piqued now.

*Sigh* What's a brotha to do?

Where Are They? Are We Here Already?

2007-10-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

I was watching the news last night, and a segment came on about how Rev. Jesse Jackson was in Newark to lend his support/suggestions on how to curb the murder-rate problem that's plaguing the city. It seems like whenever you turn on the TV and there's some uproar about a problem facing our community, you either see Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton.

Then the thought came to me....why don't we see any prominent black leaders within the black gay community? We have no problems discussing other subjects concerning our people. Is this subject still taboo on a global level? Cause God knows I do not want to see Terry McMillan representing us on another program discussing her hatred/bitterness about gays just because one (count em, one) deceived her! I think the leaders are within ourselves. Hell, who can better represent each one of us than us ourselves?

What does everyone else think?

The Day My World Stood Still

2007-10-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

I seriously debated whether or not I should post this next year or this year. But I figured hey, why wait until next year? There may be someone out there that's going through or went through the same thing. They need to hear this story now!

This day, 14 years ago, will forever be etched in my mind. My beloved mother, Elizabeth Brunson, lost her battle with a horrible disease I was 15 years old at the time, and it was truly one of the worst days of my life. But first, a little explanation on how it got to that point.....

I have always admired my mother She went to college (Rutgers) and landed a good job with Blue Cross & Blue Shield (now called Horizon). But I admired her even more after my father passed away, and she was left to raise my 2 older brothers and I on her own. In 1988, she was determined to start a new, better life for us. So we moved from East Orange to a more peaceful Linden. Things were going pretty well for us. We had adapted to our new surroundings and loved it. We were experiencing a newfound peace.

Four years later, our serenity was tested. It was around 4PM (I remember Oprah being on TV), and my mother walked into the room that my brother and I were sharing. I was sitting on my bed doing my homework and when I looked up, my mother had a tissue in her hand and a look of despair She rested her elbow on the dresser and blurted out those awful words, "I took an HIV test today and the test came back positive. I have the AIDS virus." All my brother and I could do was just sit there and look at her. What can you say to a person that just told you something like that? She definitely didn't wanna hear that everything was gonna be alright, and she can get through this. Shit, we didn't believe that ourselves! I scared and worried for her. Questions just came running to my head: What are we gonna do if/when she dies? And who gave this to her? It was too much for a 14-year-old to think about.

Over the next few months, I watched my mother go from energetic and independent to a feeble, dependent woman who was losing her hope, faith and will to live. It was a time of few highs and many lows. Her illness prevented her from working a steady, full-time job. Weight loss, pain in her body, and constant visits to the hospital (that was attributed to her not taking her medication) were customary. Her condition also caused her to become irritable and cranky most of the time, and she often lashed out and/or kept saying how she wanted to die. It was so heartbreaking for me, and many times I just cried and prayed to God that some miracle would happen and she would come back to her old self, or at least not let this virus ravage her body and spirit. I felt so helpless, but I knew I had to be there for her and help her in any way I could. Many times I would go into her room and just kiss her on the cheek as she lay on her bed. I didn't need to say anything, because actions speak louder than words. She had found this facility in Newark (by this time, we had moved to Irvington) for AIDS/HIV-infected people. They feed them and take them on daily outings such as the zoo and restaurants. It's also a facility where you can sit around, watch TV, play games, and just sit and be with your family. This was during the summer, so many times I accompanied her to the facility. I just wanted to be around her as much as I could while I still had time.

But like they say, time waits for no man, and my mother was no exception. A few days before that fateful day, my mother once again entered the hospital. On a Sunday morning (around 9AM), my aunt (the one I stay with now) woke my brother and I up and told us the two words that I knew I was going to hear eventually...."She's gone." We both got dressed, and we headed over to my other brother's girlfriend's house to get him so we could all go to the hospital. It seemed like an eternity, but we finally made it to East Orange General Hospital and went up to the room where my mother had spent her last days alive. We entered the room and there she was, on the bed with her eyes still open. For a few minutes, we just stood there and looked at her. For my oldest brother, this was all he could take, and he broke down and walked out of the room. This was the first time I had EVER seen him cry. My aunt went out to console him. A few minutes later, I came out of the room enveloped in grief, and my aunt had to console me too. I cried for so many things that day: that I was never going to see her again, that I wouldn't have any more mother/son moments, that I would never hear her voice or see her smile again. But the main thing I cried about was that she went into eternity in some bare, cold hospital room without being surrounded by people she loved and cared about by her side. I couldn’t help but feeling guilty about it. I later learned that she also had a brain tumor, so I guess her body gave out from trying to fight off two maladies at the same time. And to this day, I’m still not sure who she contracted HIV/AIDS from. It could’ve been my father or a man that she was seeing at the time of her death.

So now here I am, 14 years later, reflecting on that horrible day and the aftermath. Honestly, there are some days where I don't think about my mother. Ironically, one of those days is Mother's Day, but that's because we were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses, and we didn't celebrate any holidays. But there are some days when she just pops up in my mind and I get really sad, especially songs specifically about a person's mother ("A Song for Mama" by Boyz II Men and "Thinking of You" by Lenny Kravitz immediately pop into my mind). I’m able to view pics of her with no problem. My cousin videotaped a cookout he had at his house, and it has my mother in it. I can’t bring myself to watch it because I don’t wanna remember her in her suffering stage. It’s painful when your father passes away, but when your mother passes away the pain is almost unbearable. I wish she could've been there to see me get my first job, graduate from high school and college, get married, have a child (if I do decide to do those last two things), and all the other joys of life. But I know she’ll always be with me in spirit and mind. But everything happens for a reason, and God was showing me just how strong a person I was (or at least needed to be at the time). If I can make it through losing both parents before the age of 18, I can make it through just about anything. This trial has made me into the strong person I never saw in myself. I'm not where I wanna be, but I'm definitely not where I used to be! And I embrace this lesson in life and get through it. Notice I said "get through it" and not "get over it," cause you don't ever get over the loss of a loved one; that chapter is never closed. And to all you out there having problems or differences with your parents, appreciate them anyway, because you never know when it's going to be their time to go. And when they do, it’s going to be one of the most difficult things you will ever have to deal with in your life.

And you know something else? I didn't even break down at all when I wrote all this (but my eyes did fill up with tears a few times). I am so proud of myself for this inner strength, but my mother would be prouder. Thanks Mommy, and I love you!

August 8, 1949 - October 3, 1993

Ever Wonder?

2007-09-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

This topic actually arose when my good friend, his man, and I were walking back to the car after we had enjoyed the festivities of the West Indian Day Parade on Labor Day. I meant to post it sooner, but better late than never right? LOL Here goes.....

I was born in East Orange, but I moved out when I was 10. My friend was born in the Bronx, but he moved out when he was a kid too (can't remember the age). His question was direct and thought-provoking (as with most of his questions): how would your life be different had you lived in the inner city all your life? For me, I know for a fact that I would have more 'street smarts.' I lost that when I moved. And when I was robbed 2 1/2 years ago, having street smarts really would've come in handy.

So now I ask all of you who went through the same experience....have you ever wondered how your life would be if you lived in the inner city all your life? Would it have impacted your life positively or negatively? How/why?

20 Years (Father)

2007-09-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

In the past, I haven't given September 16th much thought at all. It came and went without much notice. (Most of the time, it was during a work week anyway.) But this year, the date holds a significant milestone for me. As much as I tried not to think about it, it kept poppin up in my head, and I even had to remind my brothers about it. For it was on this day, 20 years ago, that the man we knew as our father went into eternal rest. I was only 9 years old at the time. And like anything else traumatic that happens to you when you are a child, it is a day I will never forget. But first, a brief overview of my father....

William Howard Brunson was fun to be around and seemed happy to all those who came in contact with him. (My brothers and I never called him Dad; we always called him Bucky. I never knew why, and we never questioned it.) But he was also a man who was battling some serious demons in his life. He had spent about 15 years of his life in prison from the time he was about 19. After being released from prison, he met my mother, had my brother, got married, and had me, all in about a 4-year span. (My oldest brother is from another man, but Bucky raised him as his own.) I remember my father having only 2 jobs: one was at Consolidated Laundries, where he would ship towels, sheets, etc. to various companies, and another at Biase's Restaurant, where he worked as a cook. Both were located in Newark are no longer in existence. He was hard-working man, but he also battled a serious alcohol addiction, something that started when he was young. I would remember times when he would drive me around and drink, or times when he just plain forgot to take me somewhere cause he would be too drunk to remember. At times, my brothers, mother and I tried to curb it by pouring out all his liquor one day. My mother even took him to rehab, where he stayed for a few weeks. But it wasn't all bad times. I also remember good times at beaches, amusement parks, and even home. He loved to cook, dance, and just plain have a good time and always enjoyed the pleasure of company. He was a fun-loving man, but I can't really say he was loving. I don't ever remember a time when he said he loved me, or even displayed some type of emotion. This sometimes confused me, because I couldn't understand why. And like most black families, my brothers and I got a big-ass helping of ass-whuppins and punishments whenever we did something wrong. At night we would lay in our beds and say, "I hate Bucky! I wish he was dead!" That wish proved prophetic.

On that previous Friday before this date, Bucky spent most of the day vomiting and laying in the bed. My brothers and I did not know what to do. When my mother came home from work that day, we told her that he was in really bad shape, so she rushed into the room and immediately took him to the hospital.

That was the last day I ever saw him alive.

A few days later, I was told he had slipped into a coma (I didn't know what it was back then). And then on Tuesday night back in 1987, around 6:30PM, my mother came home from the hospital devastated and told us, "He died. He didn't make it." The years of alcohol abuse had finally taken a toll on most of the organs in his body. First she hugged my oldest brother (15 at the time), then my middle brother (12 at the time). I ran into the bathroom to wipe my tears on my towel, then came back to hug my mother. Contrary to what some people say, KIDS UNDERSTAND DEATH! We knew that our father was gone and was not coming back.

I remember his wake (sooooooo many people were there), but we could not go to his funeral, which was located at a church. At the time, my mother was a Jehovah's Witness, and they do not deal with churches in any way. So my mother, her friend, my brothers and I stayed in the family car while the funeral was taking place inside. It seemed like forever, but the people finally came out hugging and consoling each other through their grief. We got to the gravesite, and I stood in the front with my grandmother's (father's mother's) arms around my shoulders. One of the Jehovah's Witness elders make some remarks, then they lowered my father six feet below to his (final?) resting place. As we drove away from the cemetary, the thought of not having him around once again hit me, and tears slowly came to my eyes.

Now that I'm a grown man and had 2 decades to reflect on this day, I've discovered one thing that I either kept hidden or just plain didn't realize: my father inadvertently passed along his trait of not allowing people to get too close to him. He tried to shield himself (with alcohol) from what he didn't want to face (life?). Don't get me wrong, I'm a chill, down-to-earth dude with quite a few friends. But I do not allow a person to know everything about me. At times, I find it difficult to fully convey what I am feeling, especially to a man. Hell, that's most likely the reason why I have never been in a serious relationship. I'm scared to let my guard all the way down to let someone in. Am I angry for what my father may have done? No. I don't hold long grudges against people, and he wouldn't be able to see or feel my anger anyway. Madonna made a song years ago called "Oh Father," and one of the lyrics read, "Maybe somebody/When I look back I'll be able to say/You didn't mean to be cruel/Somebody hurt you too" I'm sure there were many things my father was hurting about (trying to make something out of his life after serving time in prison, trying to provide for his wife and children, just trying to be a responsible man in general). Even now whenever I hear this song or "Dance with my Father," the words hit hard and deep. Somtimes I can't even hear the entire songs without tearing up or just turning it off. Guess I realized I love and miss my father more now than I ever did before.

December 8, 1939 - September 16, 1987

Mr. Nice Guy? For What?!

2007-09-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here a little hurt but extremely annoyed. The person that considers me his best friend (whom I have known for about 3 1/2 years) has a strange way of showing it. (Those in my circle know who I'm talking about.) We've had spats before, but today's was a little worse than the others.

The latest spat involved the very root of all evil...money (or, in this case, a bill). A few months ago, my said "best friend" stated that he wanted a laptop and asked me for advice on which one to get. I suggested a Dell because I've had the most positive experiences with them. So I spent a day or two looking on the Dell Web site to try to find one that was best for him. Because I have a Dell card, I even took it one step further and agreed to put the laptop on my card and have him give me the money back in installments. The first payment was fine, but as time progressed, the payments started to arrive later and later. Now he sends me the money only a few days in advance, which does not really work for me because I need to time for the money to: a) post to my account (because it still is a bank transaction after all) and b) pay the bill online. In the past few months, the bill was paid literally on the day it was due. I don't like payin bills on the due date; if I can handle it, I would rather them to be paid with days (hell, even a week) left over so that I won't run the risk of encountering a late payment and thus, showing up negatively on my credit report. The first time he did this, I was a little annoyed but I got over it. But this time I was not so forgiving. As the due date quickly approached, I felt it necessary to send him an e-mail reminding him that I still needed the money, to which he replied that he would have the money for me on Friday (this past Friday). Friday came and went with no money-exchange. The next day I text him and asked him when he was gonna give me the money, to which he replied, "As soon as I get outta bed." (Mind you, this was 1PM Saturday, and he tells me that he "forgot" about the money the other day. But yet, he sure didn't forget to keep asking me when the laptop had been ordered and arrived.) A few hours later, he finally drops by unannounced, hands me the money, then promptly leaves. It was as if he was annoyed and he was doing me a favor. Hellooooooo....it's your responsibility! I was the one that was (and should be) annoyed, and with every reason. Now I had to scramble to make sure the money was in my account and the bill was paid by Tuesday. *Sigh* So I called him and told him to make sure the money gets to me earlier. Reluctantly, he agrees.

Anyway, by the time today rolls around, I can't really say I was mad, but I definitely just wanted to clear the air and let him know where I stood with this situation, because I didn't have a chance to really speak with him about it on Saturday or Sunday. So I e-mailed him and told him that the reason why I was a little annoyed is because I went out of my way to do a nice thing for him, and his getting an attitude with me about the promptness of his payment gave off the aura of someone being ungrateful, rude and inconsiderate. In a nutshell, his reply was that I "just wanted to complain," that I was "whining," and how I needed to "get over it." But then he says to me that after he finishes paying me for the laptop to never do anything for him again! Excuse me??!! So I said, "If that's the way you feel, then fine." He got a lotta fuckin nerve! And to add insult to injury, he forwards our conversation to some of our friends and to his coworker (as if her opinion really matters), and he claims that nobody agreed with me. It was basically some underhanded shit to me to try to make me into this dude with serious mental problems while he's the innocent victim who didn't do anything wrong, which disgusted me!

Yes it started out as just an issue about a bill, but it's really escalated into a bigger issue. Almost everything I say he brushes off. If it doesn't fit his little criteria of what is right or logical, then you're wrong and he doesn't wanna hear it. I am tired of it, and it hurts my heart to know that somebody who claims I'm such a best friend can also be so passive concerning others. But I'm a little angry at myself because none of this would've happened if I wasn't tryin to be so nice. I am really starting to hate it, cause you can only be so nice for so long before somebody comes along and screws you. First my aunt (that's another story), and now him. Sometimes I feel like I'm abusing myself for being a fuckin nice guy. As much as I really don't wanna say this, I think I'm gonna have to get rid of this "nice guy" persona. It's not getting me anywhere. But I'm probably just talking out of bitterness and anger right now. Time will tell though.

True 'What the Fuck' Moments

2007-09-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

This one was too good to not blog about lol....

Today when I was on my lunch break around 2:30, I get a phone call from a number I do not recognize. Usually when that happens (and today was no exception), I let my phone go to VM. The way I see it, if it's really important, they'll just leave a damn message. Lo and behold, the person sure did leave one. I didn't check the VM right away. I waited til about 5 or so. Half because I was still relatively busy at work, and half because I forgot. When I finally got around to checking it, it was from this dude I went to high school with that I just got reacquainted with through another HS classmate's baby shower a few months ago. (I gave him my business card and put my cell number on it. I'm a corporate homo lol. But I also like to help people in any way I can. And besides, I might need him again one day in life and vice versa, and I've learned to not burn bridges). Not to put people down or anything, he's a nice dude but the dude's head ain't screwed in too tight lol. (When I saw him walking into the building for the baby shower, he was carrying on a conversation with himself.) Anyway, the VM (through all the stuttering and pauses he made) said that he had something to ask me, and it was "very, very important." Hmmm....what the hell could he want with me? So I finally returned his call, and he proceeds to tell me that "the issue is now settled" and how he felt "embarrassed" to even ask me now.
"Well you already spent time leaving me the VM, so you mind as well tell me," I replied. *Another pause from him* "Ummm....do you have five big ones? I have to start class soon."
W....T.....F #1! Did he just ask me what I think he just asked me, I thought to myself. I don't even give my family members money like that! Why I give that much to somebody I barely even remember from high school?! I quickly regained my composure and asked him, "Are you talkin about $500?" "Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm askin," he said.
"Sorry man, I can't help you there," I said.
"Oh ok," was his only reply.

So then the conversation moves toward him going to a job fair tomorrow and how he's looking for work. I ask him what field is he looking in, and he tells me "something in a warehouse" (he worked for both Fed Ex and UPS in their shipping department). I don't think he went/finished college, and based on his eccentricities, it was kinda hard for him to find much else. I told him I knew somebody that I believed still worked at this warehouse
in Woodbridge and would contact him to see if his job was hiring and get back to him. I called the dude and left him a VM. And guess what, the weird dude calls me back again about a half hour later wanting to know if I heard from the dude. "No. I left him a VM. I'll let you know when he calls me back."
"Aight," he says, and hangs up. Just as I pull up to my house (8:30), I get another phone call from you-know-who. W...T...F #2! At this point, I'm just annoyed as hell. What the fuck is he callin me again for, I say to myself. I'm not returning his call til after I finish eating. So around 9:15 I prepared myself mentally for what I was about to hear from this dude.
"Oh, I forgot to ask you, do you know if this dude has morning shifts at his job?"
*Sighing in my mind* "I don't know man, he still hasn't called me back yet. Once I know something I'll make sure to call you back."

As of 10:35, no call back from dude lol. I guess he finally got the point now and gave his fingers a rest from dialing my number. Just had to share my 'what the fuck' moments with yall.

Be Optimistic Through It All

2007-08-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

I usually don't come off sounding preachy, but this is a rare exception.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been talking online with a cool ass dude from East Orange. He hit me up first, and he seemed like he was sane (thank God for that lol). He's 20 years old and about to go to college to further his education. At first, his age turned me off, cause dudes that age really don't have much to talk to me about. But this one is very down-to-earth and has a sense of humor (big pluses in my book). I saw a face pic of him already, but one day he asked if I wanted to see his other pics on his Myspace page. I said OK. So as I gazed through his pics, there was one that particularly got my attention...he was in a wheelchair. Of course, I've seen people in wheelchairs before, but I have never had a real conversation with anyone in one before (as crazy as that sounds). Not wanting to offend him, I politely asked him, "What happened to you that you ended up in a wheelchair?" He wasn't offended at all, and he was more than happy to answer my question....that he was born with a spinal cord defect that caused his hips to separate. Hence, he couldn't walk. He had his tough times throughout his life. But his response was, "Such is life." And we all know that going to school with kids can be brutal, especially for someone with a disablility. Hell, they can be some cruel ass bastards sometimes. But in spite of that, he has still managed to keep an upbeat attitude and is extremely independent (since 15, he told me). I was dyin when he told me about his fights and how he whupped some ass in his chair lmao.

After talking with him, it really made me realize how blessed I am and how grateful I should be. If a person who has been in a wheelchair ALL HIS LIFE can focus on the positive even through his disability, then what the hell is my able-bodied ass complaining about? Yes, we are all human and are gonna gripe sometimes because of the problems life brings us (whether it's with our finances, jobs, families, relationships, etc.), but we must realize and always remember that all things work together for our good. Everything we go through happens for reason, and it teaches and shows us just how strong of a person we are. I'm reminded of the Sounds of Blackness song called "Optimistic," and the chorus goes "As long as you keep/Your head to the sky/You can win." My online friend has inspired me to do less complaining and have more gratefulness. I have learned to keep my head to the sky. What about you?

Am I Missing Something?

2007-08-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

I know some of you have heard this before, but I feel the need to reiterate it: I LOVE and enjoy being single. I tell you, when I tell people on my job that I'm single, they're genuinely surprised and look at me weird. And then when I tell them that I'm not really dating, they really get surprised. (They will seriously gag if I told them what sex I've dated lol.) Anyway, one of them told me that it was time for me to settle down and find someone. Then an old high school classmate that I had just gotten in contact with again was asking me (through e-mail) why I was single. I gave them both my customary answer: "Love will find me in due time." Do I believe that? Sometimes I do, most times I don't. In that area of my life, I just let the chips fall where they may. Hell, sometimes I try to stop the damn chips from falling altogether lol. But that's the nonchalant side coming out of me. I try to understand their way of thinking, but I'm having a hard time. Maybe they're just taken aback that a good-looking (no I'm not conceited), semi-successful dude with a good head on his shoulders is still walking around unattached. Who knows, but I know I ain't worried about it. So why are they?

But honestly, is there something wrong with me wanting to stay single? Is it weird for a 29-year-old man to say that he rarely dates and is not looking for a relationship? I know that everybody needs somebody, but does that automatically mean a significant other? Why can't it mean family or good friends? They will be there much longer than a man will! I can be happy without a boo dammit. And besides, I just don't think I have the patience to deal with the bullshit that most dudes dish out (as I experienced firsthand this week lol). It's hard being people's friend these days, let alone being their date/boyfriend. I would like to know what yall think. Help a brotha out. Am I missing something?

My Icebox Continues (Part 2)

2007-08-20T17:48:00.000-07:00

As promised, here is my continuation of my icebox. OK, so I finally got in contact today (through text) with the dude from Friday. He hit me up when I was on my lunch break. He sent me his normal text ("Wassup"). After a few brief text exchanges, I finally came out with it and told him that he's a nice dude but he's not my type. To which his reply was, "Never said I was looking to be anyone's type. To be real with you, you was never my type either." I couldn't help but wonder, was I too MASCULINE for him lol. Who knows? I left that one alone. But then he tells me *drum roll* that he has a boyfriend! Oh reaaaaaallly??? When I read that, my big eyes grew even bigger, but rest assured I was not trippin at all. I laughed after a while cause I pay these dudes no attention most times. Then my inquisitive side got the best of me, so I asked him how long he's been with his dude and how things are going. (Cause why would he be goin out on dates with me if things were OK with his dude? Was he tryin to be a fake ass playa, or was he unhappy and trying to escape his problems through me?) He tells me he's been with him since March, and things are cool. That's where the questions stopped, cause then he precedes to tell me to stop with the questions because it doesn't concern me. I simply replied "LOL whateva." The nerve of these dudes...tryin to have their cake and eat it too. I've already taken his name off my BGC list. I'll give myself up to a week to delete him from my Yahoo IM and my phone (blame my benefit-of-the-doubt-givin side lol). Maybe he'll wanna still talk to me on a friends-type level, but I'm not holdin my breath. Oh well, another one bites the dust.

And so my icebox continues to freeze....

Until next time fellow bloggers!

My Icebox Continues (Part One)

2007-08-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

Wassup yall,

When it comes to men, dating and especially relationships, I have an icebox where my heart used to be. Hey, I'm not ashamed to tell it. (But don't get me wrong, I'm still a cool-ass person.) It's been that way for a LONG time, and I'm not holding my breath on if that will change soon lol. Let me tell you my latest encounter:

Yesterday I went out on a second "date" with this 23-year-old dude I met online. (I put off meeting up with him again for as long as I could lol.) He seems like a nice dude, but he's a little too fem and brash for me. Anyway, we agreed that we would go see Rush Hour 3 up at Essex Green at 10:15, and he told me to call him once I got to his area in Orange. So around 9:05 I exited 280 and hit him up. No answer. I called a second time. No answer again. I called a third time and left him a VM. Not wanting to leave the area, I parked my car on a side street literally around the corner from his house and left him another VM and text. I waited 40 DAMN MINUTES for him to return his call. At this point, I'm pissed! So I said to myself, if he doesn't answer this one last call, I'm goin home. I call him one last time and lo and behold, he decides to answer. I ask him where has he been and if he got all of my texts and VMs, to which he replies he didn't cause his phone doesn't get a good signal where he is. Hmmm....he had no problems texting and calling me non-stop from his home when I was on the train coming back home earlier, I thought. Then he tells me that he was away from his phone because he was busy cleaning up his house! WTF??!! Didn't we have a "date" scheduled??? So he apologized (half-heartedly in my book) and I asked him if he still wanted to go to the movies. By this time it's damn near 10:00, and the last movie is at 10:15. So either we were gonna be late or barely get there on time. So he goes, whatever u wanna do. *Sigh* I hate when dudes say that to me if we're goin out a date. He starts mentioning some places where we can go for a few drinks (good idea!), so we stop at some lounge/bar/restaurant in South Orange called Toro (nice restaurant, bad service) where I enjoyed an appetizer and a big glass of Grey Goose and cranberry. Most of the time we were both sendin texts back and forth and occasionally conversing. And honestly, I was just ready to send his ass right back home. He fucked up my night! After that, one of his peoples called him and told him that they were outside his house and they wanted to go to the city and chill. Thank God, I thought to myself, now I can get rid of his ass. So I dropped him off and went on home. This was around midnight.

So now I'm gonna get in contact with him very soon to let him know that I really do not see this going anywhere, and he can either take it or leave it (I'm not gonna say the last part to him though. I still care somewhat about people's feelings.) I text him this morning simply asking if he enjoyed his night out, to which I got no response. He's probably working at the hair salon anyway, so it's cool. But I gotta tell him sooner rather than later and cut my losses (not that it's a loss for me any damn way!).

So, just like all the others, I got tired of this dude after only a few encounters. I know I know...why? And why did I go out on a second date with him? I really don't know why. It's become sort of a sub-conscious thing with me. There's always one thing that really irks me about a dude, and I find myself resisting and keeping my distance, which prevents anything from developing. As far as why I went out on a second date, as much as an icebox I have, I really do like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I thought that by the time the second date came around, there would've been something new that I found in him that I really liked or was attracted to. But there wasn't, and now I'm gonna tell dude that, even though he's a nice dude, I have no attraction to him and I don't see anything evolving. I'll probably hit him up tomorrow cause I'm enjoying the night out for my boy's b-day, and I refuse to let that fool fuck up my night tonite lol.

Stay tuned....

To My Friend on His Special Day

2007-08-15T18:01:00.000-07:00

I found this poem online. This could be applied to any one of my friends, but this is dedicated to my really good friend Jay on his special day. Out of all the friends I know that I chill with on the regular, I've known him the longest. This is for him:

Friendship . . .

. . . is you.
. . . is love.
. . . is shared.
. . . is forgiving.
. . . is understanding.
. . . is shared secrets.
. . . heals many hurts.
. . . is not judgmental.
. . . is shared laughter.
. . . is slow and steady.
. . . can be angry at times.
. . . is dependable and true.
. . . is more precious than silver or gold.
. . . is meant to be savored like fine wine.
. . . is not perfect, much like we are not perfect.
. . . does not hold grudges or demand perfection.
. . . makes all the wrong things in life, right somehow.
. . . is meant to be gulped like lemonade on a hot summer day.
. . . is always there, through times of trial, happy times and hard times.
. . . just happens, but once discovered, needs to be tended like a beautiful garden.
. . . is a road to be traveled slowly, remembering the sights and sounds.
. . . is strength when you are too weak to notice its there.
. . . is a cherished moment of mutual understanding.
. . . reaches into your heart and grabs a firm hold.
. . . is a refreshing rain on a hot day.
. . . is sunshine through the clouds.
. . . cannot be forced or induced.
. . . is relaxed and comfortable.
. . . is a shoulder to lean on.
. . . is an ear to whine to.
. . . gets better with age.
. . . is shared tears.
. . . is shared pain.
. . . is shared joy.
. . . is shared.
. . . is love.
. . . is you.

Happy Birthday Jay! Much luv to u!

Yes I Finally Did It!

2007-08-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well I've finally arrived into the world that is Blogspot. I'm sure my friends (you know who you are) are all breathing sighs of relief knowing that I've given in to their peer pressures, relented, and joined them lol. And they can also rest assured that they will be able to post comments to my blog with NO HASSLES and NO PROBLEMS at all (right everybody?). But honestly, I like this little Blogspot better than Livejournal. It has a certain flair and vibrance about it, but maybe I'm just being overdramatic lol. But welcome ya boy with open arms!

As far as what my blog will entail, it's hard to say. I can't promise you quick witted, sharp words of wisdom like Dee or dancing You Tube clips like Shawn, but what I can tell you is that I will do my very best to make sure you can relate to and/or understand a dude that was reared in many parts of the Garden State. And I will try not to make my subtlety turn this blog into boring bullshit lol.

And with that said, I am open to any suggestions on what my first topic should be about. We all need a little push, so somebody please push me into a topic. Then I'll be OK after that. I'll allow one week for suggestions. Make em good, make em believable, make em ME!